External Behavior 5

Whats happenning now:

1. x=0
2. Try to socially mixup with people
3. These reasons:
a) D&d
b) Very easy childhood gave rise to some very bad behavior patterns
c) Absence of desires, goals, motivation
d) If (x>=3) Unability and unwillingness to look for fun
e) If (x>=3) With such a bad social history, complete lack of social confidence, and a very low social self-image
f) If (x>=3) Absent Mindedness
g) If (x>=3) Since social mixup is not possible, ego trying to lay stress on difference between me and people, and trying to prove superiority using the differences
h) If (x>=3) Fear of people, and fear of being rejected - almost confident of being rejected
i) If (x>=3) Ego/Rudeness/Arrogance
j) If (x>=2) Fail due to unnaturalness
k) Because of previous history of depression and social withdrawal, people reluctant to mix
Due to these above reasons, complete social mixup failure
4. Due to social mixup failure, social withdrawal
5. Try to show that others are to blame, for not treating as well as they treat others
6. This show-blame business doesnt yield any results apart from further deteriorating conditions
7. Introspect and Observe what is *actually* happenning
8. Realize that the flaw is in me, and not in others. This condition is a result of myself.
9. Get depressed.
10. This does not yield any results.
11. Get further depressed - almost go into depression
12. If (x>=1) Try to change, and thus go into unnatural states.
13. x=x+1
14. Goto Step 2.

External Behavior 4

- trying to do things which should not be done right now because there are other deadline-ridden things that must be met. this is doing self-harm, because by doing this i cannot do my required activity in time, and i then get some sense of (er) pleasure in finding myself in tough situations (analysis: going deeper: masochistic tendencies that then get me to situations which i can then use to attract sympathy or to show that life has been so hard to me... when actually it has not - it is just i have made it hard - and maybe i am just looking at it wrongly deliberately)

- trying to blame everybody in a way when they do not give me enough attention and respect. at that point i try to not reverse this issue - instead I withdraw myself, become quite and despondent. feel as if i have lost the game of life. [analysis: i get hurt when my value decreases - i am very sensitive to my value/worth, whenever people dont give me attention/value/respect, i suddenly become very sad and lost, i feel that I have some problem with me....at this point i am also advertantly or inadvertantly trying to generate feelings of sympathy, and unconsciously trying to show that the other people are at blame for not giving me attention] (this trait is part of narcissistic personality disorder i think)

- trying to just talk about frivolous things and trying to just get attention and get people to talk to me. getting people to say "hi" to me, and trying to get them to converse normally with me, which never happens. since the way people converse is totally different. people are on their way to survival... and friendships are only a side effect...for me it is different, since i am totally unable to get friends the normal way (due to my various incapabilities), i try to get attention some other way....sometimes rudely saying hi and wanting other people to say hi. saying stuff to please others... which doesnt work out when there are lots of people.. since it is difficult to figure out what people want when there are 2 or more people.

- sad, depressed, unmotivated, lost in thoughts, absent minded, goalless, non-fun-seeking

feeling better today

I felt better today.

Stayed over at home. Talked on phone with people.

Lets see how long can we keep this up..

Repeatables

Remember these, and keep repeating to get back on track:

- Okay.

- Okayyye.

- Okay. Now tell me something else.

- Don't try to be like others. Just be happy.

- Forget so many different realities. Dont try to be one of all these. Just know your own reality. The one your brain was trained for in your life. That reality is the correct reality for you. And you will be able to best work in that reality with only slight alterations tolerable.

- Think about how you will survive.

- There is a problem in you? Okay. But, remember, you ARE normal. Problems are common-place. Only the types vary. Now tell me something else.

- There is an external problem? It must be solvable. How will you solve it and by when?

Just be happy.

I was pondering on one solution that might serve as a panacea to my problems....

I almost wrote that statement inadvertantly, without much thought, as my 10th point in my new point plan, while hurrying down from the company.

It became the topic of my thoughts for the next hour or so.

It was:

10. Dont try to be like others. Just be happy.

Repeating this in my mind, I found bliss for the next hour. The burden that I carried around since childhood seems to have vanished away in a stroke.

Dont try to be like others. Just be happy. This implies that all the burden that I had carried around since childhood of duplicating other people - to change myself for the other people to like me - should be avoided. I found that most of my internal troubles were related to this. The craving for social acceptance. And my natural state was so different from what people want (or so I thought) that I had to live a life of struggle for know what exactly I am and what I should be. To be or to become?

I think, I have now found the answer. To be.

To be, is the right solution.

We should just be whatever we are, and just be happy.

[DRAFT]

Manners

Where are your manners? Since when did you become rude? (due to this)

Arrogant? umm. Well I was probably arrogant from before on, but as you know, it is due to the circumstances I find myself in.

I really need to learn a little manners, so that I do not create awkward situations for others.

(But dont manners indicate individual distance?)

External Behavior 3

These are two of the external apparent social problems I have:

1. Inconsistent, incoherent mental states:
   Okay lets define a mental state as a state of the mind which has a coherent set of memories, a coherent set of memory cache (the parts of the memory we consciously remember), a coherent set of things-to-do (depending on the time, place and the set of memories and desires), a coherent emotional mood based on these things. The problem with me is that I dont tend to remain in an appropriate, natural mental state. Since, for the fear of social rejection, I tend to simulate mental states in order to please others or be like others. This simulation is never even close to the real thing, and, for the onlooker I seem to incoherently hop from one mental state to another with no connection. This, I believe, will almost appear as madness to the onlooker. Apart from the one reason of fear of social rejection, the second reason for this to happen is that I tend to loose contact with the present, with my mind going to think along some non-sense instead of taking the effort to be present in the present.
   
2. Re-editing like writing:
   I have gotten very used to the comfort of being able to "go back and redo" things. Like when I write, I re-read the sentence and try to improve it. So I never make the effort of getting it right the first time. I always know that I will re-read and correct it later, so anything that I actually end of writing is a result of 2 or 3 scans of the lines. This attitude has petered out into my real life as well. I am not present-minded at all, and whatever I do, is done in some sort of dream like state. Because I unconsciously feel that I will go back and redo this to make it final. But this never happens in real life. I sometimes have to email people saying stuff that I forgot to say or should have said in past situations. So I try my best to use the able-to-redo effect, but it works out only rarely.
   

Solution to these problems:
I will add this to the list of my plan:

9. Try to be here. Right here. Just be right here with this set of memories. You dont have to change that much. No need to change so much. Just try to just be here in the present, and act naturally. Relax. Act whatever normally comes out of you. (This will require a strong belief in yourself, which will be covered by earlier points in the plan - belief that you can be likeable, almost faith in it). Be spontaneous. Dont think that you can come back and redo this. You have to think everything right now, with whole heart, whole presence of mind, and whole decision making capability. Otherwise you will lag behind in life, you will always try to make older decisions, and your life will end soon. Take anything up and finish it off then and there. Think and decide there and there. Dont postpone the decision process. Do it right there and then.

Towards solving things

I think it is high time that I take action to solve my problems. These problems are affecting me a lot in all aspects.

I have to develop a concrete plan to a solution. And try hard to follow it.

These are the steps that I think of now:

1. Learn to be happy and content with yourself. Whatever you are, it does not matter. If you are dumb & dull, OK. Whatever you are, its really OK. Really. Be happy with what you are and what you have. You will find that you have so many good things that others dont have, you dont have any financial problem yet, you have all the limbs, you have a promising life to look forward to. You have so many nice people as friends and so nice family, and such a nice cultural setup. And you dont harm people. You are OK. OK. Really OK. You are OK.

2. Learn to take care of yourself. Think about yourself, and how you can improve your life and the life of others around you.

3. Learn to take care of friends and family.

4. Learn to subdue the whole lot of threads that you have running. Dont be restless. Be peaceful.

5. You know what, you can be likeable too. Yes, its hard to believe, but it is true. Really. It is really true that you can be likeable. I mean, really. Believe me. Try it out. It wont work immediately, but you can if you want to. You can be likeable. Even if you are not at this time, you can make changes to yourself to make yourself be. Believe me. Yes. You can be likeable. YES BELIEVE ME. REALLY. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. IT IS POSSIBLE. IT IS REALLY. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT FIRMLY BEFORE IT WILL BECOME TRUE. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. HAVE FAITH. YES IT IS POSSIBLE.

6. Work hard. Dont let these problems affect you. Working is good. It is good for satisfaction for everybody's happiness around you. You cant change the structure of the society. You are not going to run away. You are in. You are in for good. You cant run away. And society wants you to be successful. Otherwise lot of people will get disappointed. You should concentrate on work and work hard.

7. Be disciplined. Get order in life.

8. Look at activities that can get you fun.

In my next post, I will form a plan and a schedule to enforce these things.

-Gaurang.

Proving superiority bcos of inferiority

My other blog is just a result of my trying to comment on other people so as to prove my superiority over them. This might be because I am not able to make myself prove to be equal to them, and a sharp sense of inferiority.

Inspirational Advise for me

This is something I wrote to cheer myself up from this mess:

Like yourself. Love yourself. You are not that bad. You are trying hard. You are not bad. You dont kill other people. I saw so many other people who are not as good as you are also likeable. Why not you?

You are okay. There are duller people, and there surely are dumber peple. You should just love yourself. You should keep yourself happy.

Be Happy dont worry.

Catch a piece of reality and stick with it. You got so confused with so many realities.

Remove all confusions. Remove all hesitations.

Be in the present - here right now.

Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.

going down, down, down, down....

Is this clinical depression?

I cried a lot today in the morning. I dont see any concrete reason, but I know that I was deeply, deeply sad and unhappy.

I dont remember crying so much in recent memory.

I felt worthless and useless for life and the world. I felt that nobody likes me, that I am inferior to all and there is some big problem with me. I felt that I havent found a person who is as worse as me. And I felt frustrated because I was not having been able to do what I wanted, there was some gap between what I wanted to do, and what I was able to do.

I dont know how I was able to get myself up from such a low point an hour or so from then.

I must learn to "like" myself to get myself out of this hole that I am in.

Internal Behavior 2 - diary

[this is another diary entry - which was written running, and no thought about making this right or perfect.)

I have always had this fear of being dumb. When I talk to people I find that I have very few things to say to people - thigns that would interest them. Even when I speak to friends, I soon run out of things to say, and I have to make myself think of things to say. And often I find that they become disinterested in what I say very soon. And I feel really dumb and inferior at that point since I have not found any other person facing this issue.

I find that people are so mature and can think of things to do and things to say whereas I cannot.

People seem to have a personality, whereas I do not.

I have figured out these days that in my inner depths I am d&d - dumb and dull. Being dull, means my most natural state is to just do nothing and even stop my brain. Like a dead person. Being dumb means my brain is very slow and gets confused so very often.

A lot of times I have observed that people tend to go away from me - almost like being repelled from one. Nobody likes me. Or even comes close to it.

My friends - they must be sick of me. I always need to be taken care of - I cannot manage myself. they do take care of me, but soon they will grow sick of me. I have a good group of friends from my school days when we are not expected to be mature. But now that we are grown up, I fear that they might also turn away since they have become mature, whereas I am the same dumb person I was earlier.

These d&d have caused a lot of effects on my behavior over time.

I have become a narcissistic, where in I always try to create an image for others which is not d&d. All of my effort are directed towards proving I am not dumb and dull, but am smart and enthusiastic. but those images never persist, and they get broken very quickly, then I tend to be a little rude, or apologetic or withdraw completely from society.

Yes, I am not fit for life and for society.

In one of those long time efforts to make others not find out that I am d&d, I have another thread of thought always running in parrallel which is trying to observe me and trying to figure what others are thinking of me now - have they found out yet that I am d&d? This thread hinders my present-mindedness a lot, but maybe it is there to prevent me from being present minded because of my fear that when I become present minded, people will find out about my true reality. Another of those long time efforts is to think a lot about any problems so that I may find a solution that others did not and thus prove to others that I am smart. And somehow I feel that my analytical thinking is better than average. By writing this down, my unconscious reason might be that other read this and take sympathy and I am finally accepted into society as a normal person.

Sometimes my dumbness & dullness becomes the dominant cause of problems, sometimes my dissociation, sometimes my narcissism, sometimes my arrogance (arrogance because I try to prove that no I am indeed really smart - to cover up all of my d&d).

Apart from all of my negative qualities, I believe that I have a good quality of empathy - which makes me feel the sorrow of others and sympathise with them.

Currently I feel good when people pay attention to me (in any sense, praising me, criticizing me, sympathizing with me), I think this is because I havent been able to get their love & engage in healthy mutual friendships because of d&d.

Internal Behavior 1 - diary

[This is more like a typical diary entry than the others - this was written in a direct, running flow, and with no back thoughts]

I am. I think I am.

Is the door I see actually there in front of me or I am imagining a person who is in front of the door? (Is he me? Is he actually really me? Am I? I think I am.)

A person who is the perfect anti-thesis to life itself. A person who is incapable of performing its basic functions, a person whose even survival for 24 years seems to me nothing short of amazing.

I can move his hands. I can tell him to go somewhere I want him to go with limited but definite success. I told him to catch a bus to go to job and he missed 3 of them consecutively. And amazingly he does this on an almost regular basis. How further can a thought and action be apart?

[He is me]

This stage has come after a long series of experiences.

My defining characteristic is "dullness". I start from there.

The break between action and thought probably came out when thoughts wanted to come out of the paralysis of action. But even the paralysis of action came about, I think, because of basic incompatibility of action with social norms (beating sisters when small, just running around with enthusiasm with no mental maturity at all) and the heavy social rejection (Panchgani) I sense a string of madness in me since as long as I can remember. Madness is what? Madness is feeling wierd, having a feeling to do something which do not conform with any social convention. The incapability of mind to assimilate many diverse sources of information into coherent essence and use that to direct yourself towards making yourself happy [and follow social norms which are actually directed towards making mutual survival of a large number of people easier]. This dumbness is the basic core of me. However, this is complimentary to the inherent dullness. How each of them is a cause of the other is difficult to find - but they do have mutually reinforcing properties. This dumbness and dullness has given rise to all of my behavior I think.

With these streaks of d & d (which usually come with a bonus of ,adness), you cannot be natural and still be accepted. Social rejection resulting from d&d is the most important director of behavior. To counter this, you form two layers of yourself - your thoughts which form a buffer between the instincts and actual actions.

Currently I am deeply unhappy. Maybe my madness gave rise to a behavior pattern earliy in life, which was pleasure in going down or telling others I am down. To tend to show something about myself to others indirectly (which shows my uniqueness or brings attention) since I am never able to get their attention in the first place.

- Is my desire to love every boy and unite with every girl a result of rejection?

- I need a companion who is such a romantic that she doesnt mind madness.

- To counter madness I continuously ruminate on my action thoughts to feign smartness. But fail to do so spontaneously.

- I love crying.

- I love sentimental music.

- I love crying for other people and I feel in love.

Changing myself

I became so much, that I have lost track of who I am, and what is "me".

How much to be and how much to become in order to cope with society and life in general is the most major decision that one makes about himself. [in short, to be or to become?]

I chose to become too much.

Now I no longer exist as myself. I have a become a confused, vague, ill-defined person who does not behave as an existing entity.

Why cant I be someone who is liked?

Because my natural state is dullness. My natural state at equilibrium is to just do nothing. Physically or mentally. Just stop all physical activitiy, and even productive mental activity - letting the brain flow without acheiving anything or going anywhere.

This state of dullness is an antithesis to life. Life is about activity and enthusiasm, about desire and motivation, about action, and productive in-line thoughts.

I am destined to have a very hard life. Since I cannot live this life and be with people if I continue to be dull. I will not be able to do things for myself, nor any person in the world will accept me, since dullness is very socially repulsive. So I have to change myself a lot to live...and changing yourself a large amount is HARD, and when you do that, you reach a confused state where you dont know who you are.

-Gaurang.