Changing myself

I became so much, that I have lost track of who I am, and what is "me".

How much to be and how much to become in order to cope with society and life in general is the most major decision that one makes about himself. [in short, to be or to become?]

I chose to become too much.

Now I no longer exist as myself. I have a become a confused, vague, ill-defined person who does not behave as an existing entity.

Why cant I be someone who is liked?

Because my natural state is dullness. My natural state at equilibrium is to just do nothing. Physically or mentally. Just stop all physical activitiy, and even productive mental activity - letting the brain flow without acheiving anything or going anywhere.

This state of dullness is an antithesis to life. Life is about activity and enthusiasm, about desire and motivation, about action, and productive in-line thoughts.

I am destined to have a very hard life. Since I cannot live this life and be with people if I continue to be dull. I will not be able to do things for myself, nor any person in the world will accept me, since dullness is very socially repulsive. So I have to change myself a lot to live...and changing yourself a large amount is HARD, and when you do that, you reach a confused state where you dont know who you are.

-Gaurang.