one must know

One must know what one wants to do.

The first use I should make use of my brain is to understand what I want to do, what I like to do, and what I will be doing.

If I dont know where I am going, or where I want to know, then I cannot say that I have any sort of a thinking brain, which I do think I have.

changing, yet being myself

i dont have to judge myself so much.

its okay, i am okay. i am doing fine.

i dont have to stop loving other people --- i am regularly a person who likes to play it low on ego, and to like other people, to admire other people (at self's expense), and to find mistakes in myself, then I try to think why cant i be like others?

i fail to acheive anything i want -- i want to read a book -- i fail to read it -- i want to make my parents+family+friends+acquaintainces happy -- i fail to do what i want to do -- then i feel bad and miserable -- and then i feel i should be more like others.

when i try to be like others -- i fail -- and the people who are familiar with me, and like my older self (i dont usually realize that), they find me different -- and then it does fit in my usual personality, and then it appears that my friendships are failing, because i have changed, the personality with which i made those relationships itself has changed (i dont usually realize that there must be something good about my own natural personality that people feel nice and make friends with me for that reason)

i dont have to change a lot, i dont have to become like others. its okay, i have faults, thats okay, maybe as a whole person i am not negative? maybe i am positive when i add up everything about me -- so what i need to do is not to become like others, not to monitor and judge closely everything i do; but basically modify my personality ever so slightly that whatever i intend to do, i can do. What I want I finish, I fail no responsibilities I want to keep. And I can make decisions I like, and not waste time, and in general lead a good, fulfilling, enriching life.

That way i keep being myself (loving others, not imposing myself on others, merging with other people's personalities, respecting others, not demeaning others in order to feel good,) and yet not feel a sense of failure. If however, some part of my personality makes me fail to do what I want to do, then I must leave attachment to those tendencies, and forget they were ever a part of me, myself.

(reminds me of my earlier "to be or to become" dilemma)

attracting comment; not selecting your friends

I) Somehow in my childhood, I was this foolish little kid who did not know how exactly to behave in front of so many other children at school.

This led to people commenting on me -- see how bad this guy is, see how foolish this guy is, etc.

Then I tried to suppress myself to do things which will yield only positive comments from others -- I tried to show that I am good, I am smart, I am able.

But this never worked out consistently -- I was able to get positive comments, but could not prevent many negative comments either.

Then I got in love with all those comments -- whether positive or negative. In fact, I started liking that people notice me and comment on me. Because there were not many other ways that I could seek their attention -- I was never a mature, responsible, street-smart, kind of guy.

So then my power of empathy increased, because I needed to think what other people are thinking of me, and thus what comments are they thinking, or will make. Because I had to monitor them, control them.

When they started making a lot of negative comments, I will try and do something to get a positive comment; and vice-versa.

In essence, I only loved that somebody was making comments about me.

(This took me closer and closer to narcissism.)

(Hence these three blogs I write)

II) Due to my inability to communicate with others, and make mature communication; I used to do mostly thought-up conversation, rather than original one directly coming out of me. Due to this, I was not confident that anybody will become friends with me. So, if anybody used to talk with me, I used to feel privileged. I never used to reply well to them, because I was never as mature as them. So I used to make my best effort. I used to make them feel good about me; and when they contacted back, I used to feel priveleged that I was accepted.

So my friends were not selected by me; but they got selected automatically, when some people managed to bear my immaturity for a longer time, and didnt mind communicating with me.

This continues until today. I didnt much select my existing friends -- I didnt try to stay only with people who I felt comfortably close, and with whom frequencies matched. I made friends with whomever came along, and showed patience to be with me.

III) This is also coming from my family setup. I have a joint family, and in my family sub-culture, having friends is not so much encouraged, but most companionship is assumed to be with family cousins etc. With most people in our older generations having many number of children, the number of our cousin families was large.
This setup required me to like all of my cousins, and their families (that is what many used to do), and hence "choosing" people for companionship was a concept that never really got imbibed into me. And I tried to make everybody happy, since thats what we were supposed to do in a large family.

IV) These effects mentioned till now are a large responsible factor for my today's behavior. I try to make everybody happy, dont choose people, dont express my likings among people, try to make a bigger social group where everybody is happy and likes each other and is friend with each other.


V) These behaviors are causing some issues that I am noticing these days. First of all, I have observed that people have an easier and more comfortable life when they have actually chosen their companionship mates. Secondly, this model fits in well the current US professional and personal mental framework of most people. Thirdly, my model is difficult to incorporate among large groups of people here, since even the Indians who I hang out with are from cultural backgrounds so different to mine. Fourthly, managing my model causes more inconvenience to self as well.

VI) Hence now I have to choose between
(a) using empathy, understand everybody as the same generic person; have a liking for all people; dont "select" people for friendships; love everybody; take care of everybody..
(b) selecting people for friendships, seeking like-minded people, get it into the general behavior that everybody behaves for his own benefit, and it is courteous to assume this, dont use so much empathy, behave from one's own benefit perspective,..

there are 2 parts

(This older post was more detailed on this topic)


I find that earlier I was a regular engineer... just thinking of technology, and how to solve problems, and want to go ahead and go cool stuff that few people can do.

Then suddenly this cultural shock of coming to the US, and being with Milind, pushed me into this "humanities" side of things, wherein I started looking at the world in terms of "psychology", "cultures" and "philosophies".

These two worldviews conflict, hugely.

My functionality in the job scene started going down.

Today after meeting a person in the company who was very fast, as a technical person, I realized my "lost" self.

If I am in the "engineering" self, then I can do my work as an engineer better; life appears simple, and I progress only in the engineering/technological domain. If I am in my "metalife" self (wherein I look at people in terms of psychology/love/spirituality/philosophy), then I can empathize better, understand meaning of life better, understand people's emotional selves, able to look at people internally, vicariously live any person's life, etc.

I want these both selves. I want to be both. I want to somehow combine the best of both selves. I want to be able to switch to either self depending on the situation. I want to mix both in myself.

Everything is damn possible, lets try.

Lets try.

Lets try.

Points to Happiness

As if I hadnt put in such posts before, here is one more.

Here is a few points, which can give me sustained happiness, I think. And I am very serious this time about implementing them.

- Discipline (things must be done as they should be done)
- Will Power (if we want to do anything, it MUST be done; if we dont want; it MUST NOT)
- complete the smaller mundane tasks of life fast, so that you can focus on the bigger ones
- relax your mind, control thought rumination, and breath easy; dont ruminate on work while at home
- give an hour everyday to hobby, like reading etc
- dont be frustrated to do things/tasks, do them cheerfully and happily; if you dont want to do it, dont do it. If you want to do it, then figure out the most efficient way to do it, so that you dont get frustrated, and can complete it in time and with appropriate attention
- GET THINGS DONE
- When you have done all this, you will probably be free to "LOVE THYSELF"
- You are your present, and not your past. Express yourself in the present. Looking at the past and ruminating is also good. But not at most times. Most times, you should be able to relax, and ruminate only at will, when required.

Holding back the past

My actions of keeping bookmarks --- to write somewhere each site I visited -- keeping a blog (one about things, and one about myself) to record all thoughts I have -- to put up many programs I wrote -- to put up all of the stuff that I have put up on website : all these actions are my desire to keep hold of the past, my desire to NOT move on, my desire to chew on the past, and not act in the present; my desire to evaluate choices not by instant decision, but by continued, unproductive rumination of life events.

My tendencies to ruminate on thoughts, seeking pleasure in harming myself and seeking awe; define me.

Can such people be actually loveable?

Although, often I am very emotional. I like seeking and giving love. But these other negative behavioral traits engulf me too often; causing me to appear inconsistent, and essentially repulsive.

decisions, dilemmas in choices

I am caught between two personality types -- the conservative, family-type traditional personal, and the independent thinker.

They contrast sharply.

I dont know where I need to go -- what I really am -- where my happiness really lies.

Now that I have to choose a girl to marry -- I might have to decide. As always, the positives and negatives appear on both paths.

American or Indian? Academic or Business? Family or Friends? Traditional or thinker? Conserve or liberate? Oriented towards the past, or the future? Oriented towards Self or Others?

Others dont think about these issues. Their personality is made from heaven, and they know exactly what they are -- they dont think before they behave, they behave spontaneously.

The biggest hurdle in my life as regards to marriage, is the choice between these attitudes. Because these choices will heavily impact the choice of my to-be-wife, and the continued happiness of marital life....

It would probably have been better, if I didnt even have to think about these choices. Ummmm...or maybe not? Another dilemma..!

-Gaurang.

thinking and being happy

It feels like that I think too much to actually be happy in the conventional ways.

(I know I must have said this a lot of times before)

Myself?

I have vicariously inherited so many emotional mindsets and outlooks from other people, that I no longer know where I end and my vicariously learned self starts.

I no longer know whether I myself want to go for the dance lessons, or whether its just an emotion that I vicariously inherited (something like -- "oh look at that person - he/she is happy -- analyse her emotional mindset -- look, I should be like that -- I am so dumb/dull! -- I should be like that ", and then I slowly inherit various states of excited, gregarious emotional states)...

It has helped mostly, since actually I had various kinds of deficiencies in my emotional mindset as compared to a normal person, and I was able to understand my deficiencies, and rectify those in myself slowly...

But nothing comes for free -- Now I no longer who I am -- and the problem becomes bigger here: nobody else who meets also understands who I am... nobody is able to understand what kind of person I am -- this strange inconsistent mix of emotions gives an impression of an artificial, vague kind of person, with no real self...

And then relationships become a little difficult...

What I must do, is to stabilize on my emotions -- to create a "new me" -- which will be a particular mix of myself and my inculcated self, but in a more natural, stabilized, consistent form -- and thereafter reduce or stop the further inculcation -- in other words, rest in peace.

spending time avoiding social disapprovals

I tend to spend a LOT of time thinking about how to avoid failure (like failing to fulfill what people, both strangers and acquaintances, expect me to do; basically failing to get social approval) and how to patch past failures; in fact I do not spend as much time on anything else.

Actually, almost all of my behavior is centered around avoiding social disapprovals.

I get most happy when I am able to successfully avoid a possible big social disapproval.


I must think more about constructive ways to enrich and fulfill myself, rather than possible social approval failures, and those will automatically reduce possibly if I stop thinking about them.

But hard to do; its not easy to give up a hard-embibed habit. Its stuck.


I think if I stop thinking about them, and think about direct positive self-enrichment, and fulfillment; I will be able to get to my real social self; and break it free from the shell, right into open social space.

/me

Someone I know needs help. He needs love. He is sad, he is sorrowful. He wants somebody to be there with him. He wants others to take care of him. He needs to lean on someone. He is tired of facing the world. He is tired of all this struggle. He needs somebody to love him.

I love him. I want to solve all his troubles. I want him to know that I love him, that I am here for him.

But I don't know how to say it. I dont know how to make him feel better. I don't know how to say that i am there with him, for everything.

This is my biggest exam -- once I clear this -- i will be relieved. I will feel better. Life will seem easier.

(if I could solve all my relationship problems, nobody will be happier than me)

Looking at self as a person

(Also cross posted to Thought Blog

Today, I decided to look at life with me as an individual, and a living and desiring one at that, rather than looking at life as a bunch of things.

Today I decided to love life rather than things.

Today I decided to connect myself with my past, and to better understand myself -- where I am coming from and where I belong.

I suddenly feel happy and living. Suddenly I know what to do -- suddenly I understand what I want -- suddenly confusions reduce, and problems reduce; and especially masochistic tendencies and habits can be identified and toned down.

Suddenly I understand what I must do to make myself happy, and fulfilled.

We must. We must love life and not things. We must love ourself as a living, desiring-to-be-happy individual rather just a non-entity between logically proceeding world and life.

We must look at life with a consideration of people's emotional needs; and structures which were formed to satisfy those needs including social ones such as family, religions, cultures, and economical such as abstract entities (like a company).


However, such outlooks, which focus upon a person's biological and related origins, may make a person oriented excessively towards the self.

We should try -- and try hard, since that might be necessary -- to find ways which fulfil all people towards what they actually want.

(Incomplete)

Interview with myself

If somebody asks me these questions, these will be my answers:

Q) So hey, what are you trying to do?
A) I am trying to prove I am smart.

Q) You make friends and relationships for what? Growing up together, supporting each other, learning from each other, or sharing cultural memes?
A) I make friends and relationships in order to get "approval" for myself, and to have somebody who thinks that I am smart.

Q) You ask questions and discuss issues and concepts with others. Do you do thatt we understand life and world better, and then we can together live life better, and more happily?
A) I discuss and debate in order to get approval from others that I am smart.

Q) Do you do anything other than trying to prove to others that you are smart?
A) No.

Q) Come on. You must be doing something else... like working towards your life path, enhancing your life impact and effect for feeling the sense of growth, helping out your family, etc.?
A) Everything that I do is for proving that I am smart.

Q) Should you advise anybody to be your friend or in some relationship with you?
A) No. I should be dumped out of the world.

Q) Is that what the world is doing to you right now?
A) It is trying to, but failing. I hope it succeeds.

Q) Do you think you will become better? (OR what is the diagnosis and prognosis of this?)
A) I am dumb & dull, which caused social rejection, which effectively resulted me dropping into the "Show that I am smart" attitude. And my broken relationships caused me to be unsatisfied and unclear on my sexual instincts, which has further instilled masochistic tendencies into me (these are somehow indirectly related to sexual pleasure). And now these masochistic tendencies give me pleasure on hurting myself in all kinds of ways -- continuing to be in "act smart" attitude is one strong example of this....(since acting smart makes me fail in all kinds of relationships). I think these tendencies will continue to hurt me unto my death.

talking to family is tonic for me

Whenever I talk to my mummy and daddy, I feel different.

I feel that I have a life. I feel that I know how to live happily.

Its a very weird -- different experience.

Everyday I am thinking of what to do. It appears like such a difficult choice. Whether to go this way or that way. Meeting so many different kinds of people having so many different kinds of lives -- ideas about lives -- that one becomes confused.

When I talk to my parents, I feel I am okay... I am leading a fine life with a fine job, and a fine everything else. I just need to enjoy it.

Its so different.

In the traditional model of life, that my parents have (we are from a small town in India, having our own little way of doing this), I have to just be a simple person following what the values and cultures of traditional life tell...its not about self expression, its about how much you know about "what should be done according to what our society says". Its a completely different model than what we have here -- "what do I want to do?". This difference in the focus over an individual is obvious, glaring, and widereaching.


Its something related to this other observation: When I meet some people, I see that they are dynamic, and are always looking for ways to enrich their life, looking for new ways to have fun, looking for new things to learn (for some: "and analyze"), etc. But there are so many other people, who appear so simple: they look like they are not trying to be happy, they are just happy intrinsically...they have some kind of bliss or some deep contentment written over their face -- they dont need to do a lot to be happy -- just basic simple things will make them happy or sad. They dont confuse or over-complicate their lives. They stick with the basics. They are not the kind of people who will invent theory of relativity (since intelligence, sometimes I feel, is a consequence of some kind of a disturbed, unstable mind); but neither they need someone to do it.

The latter kind of people are easier to love, and befriend. By easier, I mean, I feel like talking to such kind of people more. I feel like being around them. They wont talk about weird new ways of looking at life, but they will pull together a subspace filled with care, support, love and closeness.

When I am very sad, I hardly think about any intelligent thing. I think about my family and love. I think about simplicity of love. I yearn for care, and not analysis.



And look at me...what I have become. I try to analyze everything. I try to analyze happiness and life. I analyze people, and culture. I analyze engineering problems. I try to make analysis as the basis of my behavior.

Its such a burden now that I think about it.

Simplicity is divine, complications are a bane.

God bless Life, and all that goes with it.

propriety

This burden of propriety is becoming too high.

Instead of acting predictively (if I do this, will it be proper? what is the most proper behavior at this time), I think it will be better if I act reactively (do a particular thing more consistent with personal happiness; and then monitor the response of other people, and take slight care that other people are also happy with it).

I have been obsessed with predicting, which has been taking much of my mind space -- with the more free reactive behaving mind, I guess I will be more relaxed, thus boding good for spontaineity and clarity.

so confused

Why am I so always confused?

I am so confused about life right now.

I dont know how to behave .... how can people behave so spontaneously?

I am confused about what I am supposed to be. I was a geek for sometime....shall I continue to be a geek? Some people like geeks too. Then I was originally bound to be a family person. Shall I be that? I like that too, and many people like that. But my background is not plain family person. ......bahbah bah

Basically my background is not simple. I have not been one kind of person always. I have been different kinds of person at different times.

Career oriented, intellectualism oriented, community oriented, family oriented, friends oriented, spread-joy-around oriented, business oriented, culture oriented, class oriented, etc. These are some of the orientations I have had over time. I have gone around these, because of my maturity -- if I always behaved spontaneously I would have followed a sane development path over these orientations. But the childishness in me really cant make any decisions or clear rational choices; this, and the absence of spontaneity, made me wander from orientation to orientation, without really knowing what I am , and what I want to be.

Confusion reigns supreme, and that affects a lot in my relationships, and even in my work.

Clarity and Spontaneity would be very desirable right now, but in my confusion, I am not even sure about that. Otherwise I could have tried to force them upon my subconscious.

ACtually, sometimes I feel why do I think so much -- why to think what I am supposed to be, what I should follow -- etc -- instead just follow what the heart says..... this kind of philosophy was told to me by Pragya, and I also believed in it for a while, when I wrote my quote -- "Dont try to be like others, just be happy." a few months ago. In fact, I stuck that quote on top of my cube at Paypal. People were surprised to see what this guy was doing -- such immaturity!

Anyway, now I have to work on such issues at Cisco, so that botherations about relationships and "what-I-should-be" type issues doesnt affect my focus and work.

But, alas. Relationships build around clarity and spontaneity, and problems in relationships really kill you and stop you from doing any work.

I have a huge task ahead of me, and time in Life is running out. I have already crossed a quarter of a century of years, and I should have been better now...but I will definitely grow.

background is what matters

Hmm. One more thing I understood today.

At work, I was suddenly thinking why I am having trouble being like a normal company person -- who collaborates, who finds job in just being able to work properly, and progress in work, and improve job profile, etc.

I was having problems communicating, and collaborating with people.

In paypal, I was having problems with too many americans, and here at Cisco I was having problems with too many Indians...

Then the problem must not be in the environment, but somewhere in me.

Today I found that problem.

The problem is in my background.

I was in a family which was rich, and my father ran his own business where several dozen people worked under him. All my relatives also have their own business. So basically, my background and culture is for business stuff, where I am the owner and I command and manage other people. Here, as a person doing a job in America, I was supposed to be one of dozones of employees, taking orders from a manager, and collaborating and growing with peers -- which is totally a different environment.

My mind was not meant for this, and thus I was having trouble with this.

However, after knowing this, I can now train my mind to look at myself as a professional level employee, and forget my background. one thing I do well, is to manipulate my unconscious.

I think, now my workplace's innate happiness has already increased.

Learn to recognize yourself, and you might become happier.

:)

[ As I wrote on my thought blog -- Our future is an extrapolation of your past.

But, once you know this, then you can try to break this extrapolation -- it works -- but to keep note is that this is only on the surface, since the breaking of that extrapolation was also just an extrapolation. ]

happy! :)

I am feeling much better today.... a couple of relationships got better. Or so it appears now. :-)


But there is a lot of ground to cover still...

How I did this? I tried to let the thoughts in my brain out.... I tried to actually tell people to do something, not just observe and reason, I actually tried to enact something. I let the thoughts flow out to my actions a bit... and let words flow out of my mouth.

I actually tried to show emotions, and let the problems in my mind out, ..... since this is the way happiness is created... .people let other people know by their actions and thoughts how they can be happy, what problems they have, and what is the possible solution that they see to their problems. Others hear the problems, and combine them with their problems, and combine his solutions with their solutions, and thus try to form a combined solution to the combined problem.

It is with free flow of thoughts and words, that synergies of people can be formed and maintained.

It is with the mutual march towards "meaning", that lives can actually be synergized into happiness!

disappointed

Sometimes I feel that I haven't ever been understood by anybody, and maybe never will be. Maybe I have never understood myself. Or maybe I have to a certain extent, but maybe do not have the necessary willpower to do anything about it. Even if somebody comes asking to me about my plight, I cannot explain it to them, since I don't know how.....these are emotions so deep that logical explanations do not feel sufficiently descriptive to be able to put words on them...Or that the emotions are so complex, that they cannot be explained in linear thoughts, which are what we communicate in.

What do I want? Do I want other people to like me? Do I want other people to consider me as a mature person? Do I want ....


Sometimes I make the effort to go ahead and mix with people, put in a lot of enthusiasm, and then things dont work out. And then I have to ask myself, what am I doing? Am I really going in the right direction? Does the world want this? Do I want this? I don't know.

And as it is, my mind plays games with me. I can't think straight, nor write straight, my mind thinks so addictively about what others will think of this situation, and my mind gets saturated, with no real results...nothing gone, nothing done.

Like, right now, as I am writing this, I don't know whether I am writing what I want to. I don't know whether my mind is picking up words from what I am saying or words which have randomly, arbitrarily appeared from some deep complex wiring inside the brain, or from trying to calculate what others will think of me, and then produce words which will impress them?

I don't know who I am. My mind is incompetent of anything, and thus I am. I am the most useless person ever born on the face of the earth.

Everybody makes fun of me, because I am dumb, and say things which are so dumb. I don't know how others can think so fast. Why am I so dumb? What did I do?

What I am - how much is a result of my actions - and how much is God's creation?

Why am I so bad?

Why cant I reason out a way to my own happiness?

Why there is so much conflict within the brain? What do I want to do?

Do I want to be a super-smart guy that everybody is in awe for?

Do I want to be someone so honest, and trustful and moral, that he never does wrong?

Why cant I just be a normal happy person? What will I want from showing other people that I am moral, and intelligent?

Maybe because I am trying to show because of the very lack of these qualities, which has made my life a living hell.


How can people be so happy?

Does hating people, or identifying people who you match with -- is that the way to live life?

It does look like that hating people does help make us ourselves happier, because we feel that we have exercised our choice, and we feel powerful, and enacters, and we feel that now we can enjoy our choices? As if, because they were not our choices, so we couldn't enjoy them?

(Incomplete)

feeling down

It feels like I am now becoming more and more content with my dullness.

Am I heading out in the right direction, or a worse direction?

Earlier I used to be charged up about improving, and abotu counter attacking my problems like dullness etc. I used t build up entusiasm and energy in myself, so that other people liek me. But in the past few days, it appears that I ahave become tired. Now I dont want to do anything. I feel content with what exists. I am now not lifting up the cell phone sometime. Sometime I dont do anything. I feel strangely okay with whats going on. Do I have to always pester myself to action and energy? I know that it has been good, because action and energy is something that is good to transfer within groups. And we make relationships based on that. But how much should we try to change ourself. How much should we just be ourself, and how much shoudl we try to change ourself. My response to emails, and my keeping up with daily activities has also reduced. I feel like doing nothing. My mind goes off in weird directions, and I forget to do basic things, like fulfilling basic tasks like replying to mails, filling forms, phoning friends and relatives, getting up in the morning, doing things which I want to do.

Now what I want is only bliss -- doing nothing. Just settle down and do nothing.

Is it that I am going back to depression?

Is it depression at its best?

This reminds me of the days when I was having trouble with completing basic tasks. Those days are back.

Life needs so much motivation... where should I gather so much motivation?

However, probably just my mood isnt great today. Sometimes when my mood is great, I am as happy as anybody could be.

The thing is I need to discover myself and my path.

Then I will get back my motivation as well as happiness as well as energy.

Yea yeah, I know I am putting unnecessary conditionals on something I must do now.

Like a child, who postpones that he will do his homework only after he fills up ink in his ink pen, which never comes soon.

focus on more normal life things

I am trying to focus on these things these days:

• reliability
  
• productivity (this is more used for work-related purposes, but I mean in a general sense -- like being productive means completing more tasks that I want to do, regardless of whether they are related to business or pleasure)
  
• being happy -- finding how can I get a smile on my face in whatever I do (see my recent entry in Thought Blog --
  
• planning -- such that everybody turns out to be happy and that it is also convenient to all of them
  
• fulfilling duties
  
• getting context in social situations (usually i feel completely out of context)
  
• getting some ego, and some self respect, since these are helpful for getting motivated to manage ourselves well, which in turn makes other people better with you.
  

beat myself

I think to need beat myself a little bit, in order to get up and cheerful.

distance

Understanding the boundaries between people is so important.

I have no understanding of this distance. Or I need to refine it a lot more.

How much I am for me, and how much I am for others.

For example, I like to talk to other people like they are my own,. Like I am them and they are me. I take their decisions and problems as my own. I try to solve their problems like my own.

This has both positives and negatives. Both them and me like when we both take their problems as ours. But then I also tend to take their decisions as something like mine. For this case, it usually works out since they understand my nature. But somtimes this is a big problem since even for new people I do this. So I tell them " no, you should do this, not that". This creates problems because they feel that I am stepping on their feet.

Its this distance. Its so difficult to find the correct distance . yeah.

The second negative is that I myself get clobberred. I am not able to do my own things , and not able to find time to keep myself happy. Most of the time I am solving others problems. In fact, I did not even think this way that "I am solving others problems" . Because all these problems appear to me as mine, the people appear to me as mine, so whats the problem. The problem is that maybe we as humans do not have enough time even theoretically to solve lot of problems besides our own. Maybe our society has not progressed enough that we have ample time besides fulfilling our own survival needs to give to others. Maybe it is the law of nature. Maybe it is the current state of society. Or maybe it is just me and my mismanagement, and my misefficiency.

Or maybe it just my immaturity.

maturity

"Dont waste time on these useless things. Think of earning money. Do things that will earn money. Do some useful stuff dude."

If everybody does everything for earning money, or should do such, then I feel like running away from this world. Am I trying to escape reality?