propriety

This burden of propriety is becoming too high.

Instead of acting predictively (if I do this, will it be proper? what is the most proper behavior at this time), I think it will be better if I act reactively (do a particular thing more consistent with personal happiness; and then monitor the response of other people, and take slight care that other people are also happy with it).

I have been obsessed with predicting, which has been taking much of my mind space -- with the more free reactive behaving mind, I guess I will be more relaxed, thus boding good for spontaineity and clarity.

so confused

Why am I so always confused?

I am so confused about life right now.

I dont know how to behave .... how can people behave so spontaneously?

I am confused about what I am supposed to be. I was a geek for sometime....shall I continue to be a geek? Some people like geeks too. Then I was originally bound to be a family person. Shall I be that? I like that too, and many people like that. But my background is not plain family person. ......bahbah bah

Basically my background is not simple. I have not been one kind of person always. I have been different kinds of person at different times.

Career oriented, intellectualism oriented, community oriented, family oriented, friends oriented, spread-joy-around oriented, business oriented, culture oriented, class oriented, etc. These are some of the orientations I have had over time. I have gone around these, because of my maturity -- if I always behaved spontaneously I would have followed a sane development path over these orientations. But the childishness in me really cant make any decisions or clear rational choices; this, and the absence of spontaneity, made me wander from orientation to orientation, without really knowing what I am , and what I want to be.

Confusion reigns supreme, and that affects a lot in my relationships, and even in my work.

Clarity and Spontaneity would be very desirable right now, but in my confusion, I am not even sure about that. Otherwise I could have tried to force them upon my subconscious.

ACtually, sometimes I feel why do I think so much -- why to think what I am supposed to be, what I should follow -- etc -- instead just follow what the heart says..... this kind of philosophy was told to me by Pragya, and I also believed in it for a while, when I wrote my quote -- "Dont try to be like others, just be happy." a few months ago. In fact, I stuck that quote on top of my cube at Paypal. People were surprised to see what this guy was doing -- such immaturity!

Anyway, now I have to work on such issues at Cisco, so that botherations about relationships and "what-I-should-be" type issues doesnt affect my focus and work.

But, alas. Relationships build around clarity and spontaneity, and problems in relationships really kill you and stop you from doing any work.

I have a huge task ahead of me, and time in Life is running out. I have already crossed a quarter of a century of years, and I should have been better now...but I will definitely grow.

background is what matters

Hmm. One more thing I understood today.

At work, I was suddenly thinking why I am having trouble being like a normal company person -- who collaborates, who finds job in just being able to work properly, and progress in work, and improve job profile, etc.

I was having problems communicating, and collaborating with people.

In paypal, I was having problems with too many americans, and here at Cisco I was having problems with too many Indians...

Then the problem must not be in the environment, but somewhere in me.

Today I found that problem.

The problem is in my background.

I was in a family which was rich, and my father ran his own business where several dozen people worked under him. All my relatives also have their own business. So basically, my background and culture is for business stuff, where I am the owner and I command and manage other people. Here, as a person doing a job in America, I was supposed to be one of dozones of employees, taking orders from a manager, and collaborating and growing with peers -- which is totally a different environment.

My mind was not meant for this, and thus I was having trouble with this.

However, after knowing this, I can now train my mind to look at myself as a professional level employee, and forget my background. one thing I do well, is to manipulate my unconscious.

I think, now my workplace's innate happiness has already increased.

Learn to recognize yourself, and you might become happier.

:)

[ As I wrote on my thought blog -- Our future is an extrapolation of your past.

But, once you know this, then you can try to break this extrapolation -- it works -- but to keep note is that this is only on the surface, since the breaking of that extrapolation was also just an extrapolation. ]

happy! :)

I am feeling much better today.... a couple of relationships got better. Or so it appears now. :-)


But there is a lot of ground to cover still...

How I did this? I tried to let the thoughts in my brain out.... I tried to actually tell people to do something, not just observe and reason, I actually tried to enact something. I let the thoughts flow out to my actions a bit... and let words flow out of my mouth.

I actually tried to show emotions, and let the problems in my mind out, ..... since this is the way happiness is created... .people let other people know by their actions and thoughts how they can be happy, what problems they have, and what is the possible solution that they see to their problems. Others hear the problems, and combine them with their problems, and combine his solutions with their solutions, and thus try to form a combined solution to the combined problem.

It is with free flow of thoughts and words, that synergies of people can be formed and maintained.

It is with the mutual march towards "meaning", that lives can actually be synergized into happiness!

disappointed

Sometimes I feel that I haven't ever been understood by anybody, and maybe never will be. Maybe I have never understood myself. Or maybe I have to a certain extent, but maybe do not have the necessary willpower to do anything about it. Even if somebody comes asking to me about my plight, I cannot explain it to them, since I don't know how.....these are emotions so deep that logical explanations do not feel sufficiently descriptive to be able to put words on them...Or that the emotions are so complex, that they cannot be explained in linear thoughts, which are what we communicate in.

What do I want? Do I want other people to like me? Do I want other people to consider me as a mature person? Do I want ....


Sometimes I make the effort to go ahead and mix with people, put in a lot of enthusiasm, and then things dont work out. And then I have to ask myself, what am I doing? Am I really going in the right direction? Does the world want this? Do I want this? I don't know.

And as it is, my mind plays games with me. I can't think straight, nor write straight, my mind thinks so addictively about what others will think of this situation, and my mind gets saturated, with no real results...nothing gone, nothing done.

Like, right now, as I am writing this, I don't know whether I am writing what I want to. I don't know whether my mind is picking up words from what I am saying or words which have randomly, arbitrarily appeared from some deep complex wiring inside the brain, or from trying to calculate what others will think of me, and then produce words which will impress them?

I don't know who I am. My mind is incompetent of anything, and thus I am. I am the most useless person ever born on the face of the earth.

Everybody makes fun of me, because I am dumb, and say things which are so dumb. I don't know how others can think so fast. Why am I so dumb? What did I do?

What I am - how much is a result of my actions - and how much is God's creation?

Why am I so bad?

Why cant I reason out a way to my own happiness?

Why there is so much conflict within the brain? What do I want to do?

Do I want to be a super-smart guy that everybody is in awe for?

Do I want to be someone so honest, and trustful and moral, that he never does wrong?

Why cant I just be a normal happy person? What will I want from showing other people that I am moral, and intelligent?

Maybe because I am trying to show because of the very lack of these qualities, which has made my life a living hell.


How can people be so happy?

Does hating people, or identifying people who you match with -- is that the way to live life?

It does look like that hating people does help make us ourselves happier, because we feel that we have exercised our choice, and we feel powerful, and enacters, and we feel that now we can enjoy our choices? As if, because they were not our choices, so we couldn't enjoy them?

(Incomplete)