who am i 2

Or maybe my aggressive, non-caring mode is an adaptive behavior I came into -- to behave like others do, to more conform to other people -- but couldnt exactly mimic it.

I hope its like that.

I hope I am good. ;)

whoooo am i

AT THIS MOMENT, I am on a high. Not caring for other people, looking after my own ends. Using people to achieve what I want to. Feeling good.

Today morning I was very sad, lost in search of what I want to do in life. Very confused due to the differing life views... and everybody having so many differing but not wrong ways of looking at life and directions to go to.

WHO AM I? Am I former or the latter?

CANT I FEEL GOOD AND BE GOOD TO OTHER PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME?????????????????????????????

(maybe i am too rude on the inside... and then people rejected me...and then I became contemplative)

Knowing things

Many times I have had to hear this: "Hey you still dont know this?"...

This has instilled fear in me...and I now think whenever relevant circumstances arrive - "Oh! I think I should have known this by now, but due to my dumbness I dont. Now lets pretend that I know this." And then this pretension often fails. And they come to know that I dont know, and I feel really bad and stupid. Then I never come to know that thing in good detail, and even for other things, when my pretension succeeds, I never end up learning much about that thing.

[This fear has "action" harms - just to prove that I am not dumb (ya again) I try to find things on my own, like Internet or reading manuals, and then show the others that I have found this - I have found that. That I am normal. This is sometimes taken as rude, since I try to prove that I am smart, which is liked by nobody in general.]

The right approach seems to be: "Oh sorry I dont know. I am good and normal enough to have known it, but I just didnt happen to be in the circumstances that I will come to know this thing. Please can you tell me this thing? See understand that by my proactive approach of asking such things, I usually end up knowing many things that are needed to be known by people of our age and circumstances, and thus I am a capable person. Over time, you will come to know from me some other things which you wont know. Thus I am valuable, and we are all similar people, I am one of them. Please tell me".

This approach usually ends up better, because the other people explains about that thing, and you come to know it in detail. (And thus how memes are preserved and conveyed in groups)

what i think

It is funny how I can do my stuff based on what I think others are thinking about me. This is hugely embedded in me.

For example, even in this blog, I dont write as though nobody else is going to read it. But I tend to write as believing that somebody is reading this, and I unconsciously tend to imagine and cautiosly build an image in him for me.

Thats why I am so unlikeable.

BECAUSE I DONT EVEN THINK OF MYSELF. I think of others, but that is in a dysfunctional way, BECAUSE MOST OF MY THOUGHTS ARE DIRECTED TOWARDS KNOWING WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING ABOUT ME, AND HOW CAN CREATE A PARTICULAR IMAGE HE HAS OF ME.

This is narcissism at its peak.

failure

It is interesting to see how I reach that point everyday. The point where I begin to feel that I am retarded, incompetitent, unable to take care of myself, worthless, and hence a complete failure.

It seems I have bipolar -- in a day I pass through these two phases atleast one time each -- one phase where I am very happy, love everyone, want to mix with everyone, and actually a little sociable...

And the other one is, well...

I should live with it.

One thing is sure, I like to cry. And this might even be genetic, I think my mother also loves to cry.

But cyring is somehow associated with love....I think crying is when you need support, and loving means exchange of happiness, as well as support.

Crying is also associated with the emotions we percieve in tunes. But that theory I will later write about in my other blog.

time to solve problems

Ok, I will take it one step at a time. Slowly.

I wont try to solve all of my problems at once.

From the "Just For Today" verse present on my Quotes page, these parts of it are relevant to me right now:

Just For Today
Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will be happy.
Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous.
Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful.


Basically I have to plan and solve all problems slowly.

I will take it more slowly than I earlier planned.

Here is plan for the first week:
- I will maintain a daily schedule - of getting up early. Getting to job early. Not think too much. Ok I am deficient. But I will consider that I am not deficient for a while. I will try to think what I really want to think, and not think about what others are thinking about me. I will assume that I am happy, and ok, not that bad.

Ok again, this is expanding to include a lot of things.

I will try to make it simple so it is achievable.

I will only do this this weekend:
- Get up early. Come to work on time. Concentrate on work. Dont think much about anything else. You dont have to talk to all people. Just concentrate on work. Eat nice lunch with some people in the company. Get back and concentrate on work. Finish work. Go home, eat dinner. Watch TV. Read for half an hour the meditation book. And then sleep nicely.
DONTS: Dont think much about anything. Just concentrate on these basic things. Dont worry. Just dont think. This week, I will not be enforcing what I have to think about and how I have to think about. I am just telling that NOT think much about anything. That should be easier to do. Just dont think much. Dont think about any other problems. I will get back to my problems on Thursday evening to keep track of progress.

Ok lets keep this day fixed. Every thursday evening, I will sit down and see what progress I have made in solving the problems, and make a plan for the coming week. On other days, I wont think much about the problems and how will I solve them. I will just take it easy.

The keyword is Just take it easy. And then lets see how it goes on Thursday evenings. I am not telling you to be happy or anything. I am just telling you to not to think much about any problems or any things. Just keep it easy.

Ok Bye.

a kind of life

People have so many friends. I dont.

People are so happy. I am not. I havent been able to make myself happy even when there are no external bad circumstances. This is a very fundamental thing that I am failing in - just keeping myself happy.

I know many people. But not all of them are very cheerful about talking to me. Or wanting to talk to me.

I lack the cultural background. Every person has a fixed way of life that they seek - mostly derived from their parents ways of life, which are, in some cases, culturally derived from within the cultural group.

They know what kind of life they want. There are particular ways of seeking happiness in each of them... Each of them likes the type of life they are seeking. They want a life with some particular ways of doing things - like for example, when somebody comes from India, somebody else must go and pick him up from the airport and give him food. This is a choice for a particular way of doing things. My brother and bhabhi I am living with, came down from India, and I did not clean the house, did not prepare food for them. I realized this when I had got them from the airport to the house. It is the way the society works. If I had done them, they would have felt happy, they would have felt welcomed. Instead the house was in a messy state, I didnt prepare food for them, some of their friends brought it in.

I dont kwow what kind of life I want.

I have analysed things so much that I have forgotten what I want.

I am in so much of a absent-minded state, that I forget the present, but probably it is because I am sad? No might not be. Since I was absent-minded when I was not sad too. Because of absent-mindedness I miss a lot of life. In the present, I am thinkign about the past and the future. Past never comes back, and when future comes, I am again thinking of past and future. So I end up having experienced nothing.

GAURANG, BE PRESENT-MINDED. PLEASE.

afraid

I am afraid of people. I am afraid of what people would say. I am afraid that people wouldnt like what I do or what I say. And this fear makes me do exactly the things they wouldnt like.

Its a strange but familiar situation. This fear causes situations which cause the fear to sustain. So it is not possible to come out of it. One way that looks good is to pretend that such a situation does not exist, and so get the fear out and then hope that such situation will never occur again.

But this is not easy.

With a non-existent courage, with a non-existent confidence, with a non-existent will, with non-existent anxiousness, I hope I will be better someday.

new relationships

I have now lost ability to form new relationships. I dont know whether I had that earlier. But I believe that I had some of it.

Now I have lost it. I cant make friends with anybody now.

I feel alone and lost.

I cant correlate with people - I am rude - I dont know any manners - I dont know what friends do - I dont know why people become friends - I am totally gone.

My heart tells me, there *must* be some people who are like me. But the mind tells me there are not. I havent seen any body so inferior such as me. Really. This is not a joke. This is not an exaggeration. All the people I have laid my eyes upon in my life, be it in the streets, I havent found a person worser than me.

All people should stop talking to me, and kick me out of society.

failure

everywhere everybody is feeling disappointed with me. Everbody is asking - he should have atleast done this, why didnt he?

not able to meet everybody's expectations

friends asking for replies to emails, some very important emails, not able to give

familty asking to remain in touch, do certain things, take care of my life, ... a lot of things.. able to meet none..

company ppl expecting to me to do the job well...not doing it...

different people in different areas of my life are expecting something from me, and I havent been able to meet any of that.

I have become a complete failure in life.

External Behavior 6

never asking for help from other people - trying to do everything on my own - and then failing to do so because it is actually impossible to work all alone(isnt it?) - and failing into desperate situations where helping would be really difficult - and then falling into "gain symptathy" mode.

mutual fun or support

when i make a relationship -- i unconsciously think of how i can help him with his weaker side ... i wish that this guy must be having some sad corners...bad life circumstances...that i can emotionally support...

probably because i can be more intimate with people only i can support their weaker sides that need emotional support..

when i think of befriending people for sharing joys then i repell back and my mind develops fears that i might not be able to increase his joy because i have incompetencies... i dont know how to get fun, and happiness, and so i wont be able to share and increase mutual fun which most friendships do.

This alien world

I was familiar with a world where people used to base their life on love and emotional support. Along with some narcissism.

Now I am in a world where people are mature, survival-oriented and fun-oriented. Less love, and less narcissism.

This sure feels alien.

day to day 1

my day to day behavior has become quite bad - I always have this fear: "I am not normal"; "I do not belong here"; "I wont be able to cope up with the group"; "I will never be a normal part of the group"; "I have failed in life"; "I can never cope up with life"; "I will be outcast and always be so", etc.

sometimes though, I become happy, and then these things dont matter. I then get a lot of drives, mostly related to why I and other people are the same entity - all people's emotions are my emotions, and mine are theirs. At this point, I usually drop individual boundaries, and try to come close to people. (Whereas in the above other mood, I was trying to run away from people as much as I can.) I like this mood. Belonging to people, and feeling they are all one is a nice feeling.