i feel

i feel that i cannot do even what everybody is able to do. people create self-sustaining and nurturing environment around them. i have failed in that fundamental way. I have completely failed.

i feel i have not been able to grow. people follow a growing path. i have failed to do that. i have not gotten better at doing anything. i have not become more responsible. i have not become more capable of accomplishing tasks. i have not been able to form friendships and relationships with other people and form a world where people grow with each other.

i havent been able to connect with people.

i havent been able to take care of myself.

i havent been able to take strides with people and be growingly successful.

there is a whole machinery in the world here, the groundwork is already laid out, you should be able to do this, and then this, and then this, and then this. If you fail anywhere along the way, you are considered a failure in life.

of course the system is not that bad. the system supports if you start failing a little, all people you know will try to help you and get you into a bettter position. But then if you start failing too much, then you are gone. The support systems will suddenly cease to exist and you will fall apart. You have failed to follow the machination.

i havent been able to keep myself happy. i havent been able to take care of myself.

i have found that whether you are able to lead a good life depends on whether you are able to form good, mature, nurturing, healthy relationships with people around you. This factor determines whether you are able to lead a happy life, and actually even whether you are successful in your work and life (though that also depends a little bit on some other factors as well).

if you cant relate, you are gone.

i cant even talk to people. i dont know what to talk. nobody wants to listen to me. since i am mostly boring. i dont have anything to say.

i am afraid of holidays because i worry i will not be able to find ways to enjoy.

i dontknow how to enjoy, and i dont know how to find happiness.

in fact i am a masochist, i try to make things as worse as possible. in that i get some sort of a "kick". every problem is a result of this. inspite of all flaws, if I just wouldnt have been a masochist, then i would have tried to make myself better, and tried to create myself happy. but my masochism is very strong, and everything fades before that

nobody likes me. that is not their fault. it is not just one person. it is everybody. it is because i am unlikeable. simply. this is not to attract sympathy -- not asking for people to say, "you know what, you are not that bad...."

my brain cant even think straight. It has lots of thoughts going on, most of which are meaningless and purposeless, and basically nonsense.

my attitudes are wrong. i am a narcissist.

i am an egotist as well. I dont want to mix with people. I am a snobbish little person with no use to society.

There is no drive behind me...

here i have failed to form a support system, which will support me.

at this point, if somebody else would have been in my situation, with all my incapabilites, dumbness, dullness, flaws, self-created problems, etc then maybe they would have committed suicide. but i am such an insensitive little kid that i dont even want to do that.

i take pleasure in problems.

i have just not been able to get up soon for the past few months. i was fired from my job due to this. i cant accomplish anything.
i used to miss the bus 3 times a day...my brain just doesnt listen. it just doesnt

Commune - new blog

Anouncing my new blog -- Commune -- this will be a normal blog, wherein I will write conventional stuff - like my life, whats happenning, etc.

Finding yourself...

(I wrote this in the afternoon. I am not as positive now as I was when I wrote this, but its better than before. Lets see what happens.)

After months of depression, and going and running around looking for something I dont know what, I have finally, it seems, found out what I was looking for. Maybe I was too dumb, and slow, but I feel I have finally found it. I have finally found the context of my life. Or rediscovered it, maybe with new angles never looked from before. Such is the miracle of life

I think that I was completely disoriented... I didnt know what I am, and what I was looking for. I was trying to look happy, and found short-time pleasures in certain activities. Like putting my mind into thought, some times on some important or non-important logical problem, but on most other times, in some random, purposeless mess of repressed emotions, desired situations that never happenned, vicariously experiencing emotions from imagination-enriched realities, frustrations, repeatedly diving into black holes (that pulls and pulls, and does not let you get away) of feelings of extreme low self esteem and extreme depression and extreme lack of motivation and purpose, nihilism, extreme indirection, etc.

I used to cry for 30 minutes daily for the past several months. And even for the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes, just try to suppress it.

Today I want to dance, today I want to sing, today I want to run out, today I want to jump in the air, today I want to fly, today I want to meet people, today I want to talk to people, today I want to live this life, today I have the energy to spend effort making my and other's lives better, today I know where I am, today I know where I am going, today I know where I want to go.

The machination that is the mind -- its easy to get it going on weird ways. There are just so many ways you can take it to, but unless there is the heart that drives it, everything that you do will be pointless.

READING YOUR HEART AND FOLLOWING WHAT IT SAYS IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.

Yes.


The key is to hold your reality firmly. The key is to remember every person you know on this planet every day. The key is to know what you want to do.

I was crying, in a depressed condition, and was trying to remember old times. All memories went before me. My mother laughing and crying with me. My father trying to make everybody in the family happy. The whole joint family trying to keep the family going forward, to prosper, to grow. My brothers and sisters. My friends. Their families. I remembered the whole thing. I suddenly started seeing myself. I got my life back.

I had forgotten everything. I had made my life hell. I had wiped off the whole history and context of life. Most people are able to maintain their context, I was not. The context that one gets by living 20-odd years of life in a family. Maybe I was seeing too many different kinds of lives here, maybe it was some internal problems such as ego, or maybe I was just too dumb.

I found out that I was most happy with my family at home. I found that I am only happy when I am able to make my family happy. I am only happy when I can make my mother, and father, happy. I am only happy when I can make my family happy.

Coming here, and chasing jobs, and job descriptions is chasing yourself. Unless you know the purpose of your chase, it is meaningless.


And the nice point is that if you are happy, and know how you can make yourself happy, your happiness spreads to others automatically. You make friends and relationships, and people around you feel good, and you then in turn feel good yourself.


[I hate writing now, since it is impossible to maintain the emotional context and mood during the whole writing. And writing makes you take your mental resources in way which is not orthogonal to those that maintain your emotional state. Oh I wish, I could just speak what I feel and this automatically writes it for you --- actually I think that converting the non-linear emotions to linear structured words is a difficult thing to do. Language shouldnt have been like this. The way of writing should have been something like pictures or something where one would express his/her emotions by using some beautiful looking curves which will sustain and naturally emit those emotions]

it feels

Sometimes it feels like all the steps that I took my whole life have been in the wrong direction,
sometimes it feels that I havent actually moved from where I started,
where all people crossed mountains, and reached the next valley,
i am still sitting here staring at the way sometimes, staring at the people going forward sometimes
maybe I dont have legs, or maybe I do, but my brain doesnt let them run.

another attempt at problems and solutions

--- thinking about what others are thinking of me, and then either thinking too highly of myself because there will be feelings of awe in them for me -- - or thinking too lowly of myself because there will be negative feelings in them for me. One giving superiority complex and other giving inferiority complex. Both are bad. I need to learn to just be happy instead of keeping on comparing myself with others.

The mantra being --

"I am ok. You are ok. We both are trying to live a good life here."

I should be able to tone down these feelings even though I will not be able to solve the nihilistic component of the problem.

feeling highly doesnt cause a lot of problems, though feeling lowly does cause.

So basically I am tacking two problems here ---
-- one of feeling very lowly, and thus feeling very depressed and feeling worthless. Extreme low self-esteem
-- nihilism, where I am finding no reason to do anything, and finding everything pointless.

The extreme low self-esteem problem should be targetted first. The nihilism problem will persist, only I should learn to live with it, or invent a hack to get around it. But I cannot deny nihilism here.

The extreme low self esteem though might go, if I improve my thought flow.

The thought flow should not keep revolving in the head, and must efficiently flow. For example, I must not keep thinking about the same things again and again. And must learn to let thoughts flow, and pass.

So --- action points ---

1. let thoughts flow and pass, dont let them accumulate. So that I can acheive better task execution
   
2. using task execution powers gained by the last point, finish all tasks, and feel good about yourself. finish all that you want to do. use these 24 hours to accomplish all what I want to do. If all is not possible, then schedule and prioritize them.
   
3. believe in "I am OK. You are OK. We are all here for finding happiness." mantra.
   
4. after these 3 points are executed, feel better about yourself, and thus counter extreme low self esteem that I have been finding.
   
5. concentrate on people and relationships, ask for help and support and also provide it thus creating mutual friendships and mutual groups for emotional support and growth.
   
6. after the relationships problem is solved, find habits that I like to do, so I feel good about myself, and feel growth
   
7. after these things are done, maybe I wont have time to pay attention or importance to nihilism. I will have to learn to avoid thinking about it.
   

problems and solutions

I am now kind of identifying the key problems from a practical perspective (instead of only thinking from a psychological perspective) . I can target these problems directly then:

-- masochistic tendencies: I need to identify as soon as they occur. As soon as I find any desires/tendencies/leanings towards things that are not good for me, I need to stop, realize them, and curb them at that point itself.

-- need to organize my own stuff, so that I can do whatever I want to do: due to my time mismanagement and my masochistic tendencies, I have not been able to do things which I want to do, and thus it instills a sense of failure in me, and then I become depressed, I am not even able to complete my necessary activities and keep failing in everything; the logic being that if I competently do and complete things which I actually want to do , then I will automatically feel better about myself.

-- put a time gap in the end: do all things before the deadline. So that I dont feel failure at not being able to completet things because of my procrastination and putting them at the end of time, because of which I frequently fail in completing tasks or at time entirely skip over them

-- friends and family are important to me - if I am able to make them happy, then I should consider myself successful and be happy - always follow that Mother Meera quote :

"I suggest that you do your job and your duties wholeheartedly and joyfully, and bring peace and happiness in your family and in your surroundings; do Japa, the chanting or repeating of the name of God, and ask for whatever you want, and you will recieve it." - Mother Meera

-- I need to talk with my family and friends a little more, make sure I have enough time to call them and help and seek help from them. I should be able to complete my own chores faster so that I have time for this. Hmm. this is actually a strong motivation to complete my chores faster. So that I have time to do things what I want to do, and be able to interact more with friends and family, and spread happiness.

-- dont try to prove that you are smart and can handle everything. Ask For Help, If You Need It. This is a basic thing I have realized over these past few days, when I was fired from my job. When you need help, dont try to prove that you are a tough person and can handle everything. Let more emotions come through. Dont try to conceal a lot of your emotions. After all, emotions are everything; ego and toughness are just impedicles. If you feel lonely, call your friend and tell them I am feeling lonely, and that you would like to talk with them. Dont feel lonely, and just keep crying, and thinking that I have failed to keep myself happy. ACT ABOUT IT. SOLVE PROBLEMS. Remember that thing in the last post? Add a suffix: "and so how can I solve this problem?" to every negative statement that you make about yourself. This has the added positive advantage of feeling that actually all problems are solvable.

-- the goal is not fame. You can be happy without fame. there is no need of a website telling thousands of people what you feel. Fame, ego are not that important. Only emotions of love and caring are. Only friends and relatives are. Only actual living people are. And Actually Acting Things Out in The Real World Is More Important Than Just Writing Stuff On The Web Where Noone Reads. Creating An Image Is Not Important - Being Happy Is More Important. Be In The Present.

-- you were more happy when you followed what regular people do. When you tried to be totally different (was it ego?) and develop your own theories and refuse to follow other people and thought about other people as foolish (Hmm, interesting. Do I really feel that other people are foolish? Here is some thing contradictory happenning. My depression's one big reason was extreme low self-esteem. The other one was philosophical nihilism. How can these two coexist. Because believing in nihilism implies that I am considering all other people as foolish since they DO NOT believe in nihilism. If I think I am dumb then I should follow other people, and not be nihilist. Hmm. There is something here. Maybe the ego is fighting it out here. The ego does not want to accept that I am as foolish as other people since they are not belieivng in nihilism. But then I get depressed because I think I am failing in all aspects of life. And therefore consider myself very lowly, and fall into extreme low self-esteem. Hmm. actually why I am failing in everything may be because of nihilism. Because of nihilism, I am thinking that all normal life is pointless, and therefore not having any motivation to be good, and act as per society. Thats why failing in everything, and then feeling depressed because I cannot do what normal people can do. I will have to think about -- I will have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in nihilism or not? If yes, then I should not be depressed about anything, and accept that I will fail in everything. If no, then I should get back on track, and understand life as I used to see it before -- which blended with all cultural values. Even stroking the ego, by rising higher and higher in job positions in companies, or by earning more and more money, or by getting into more and more selective positions, must be considered acceptable. Can I make a life, where these three things are not accepted, and yet I live a normal life? That will mean, a saint or something. But I am not a saint either, since I dont have a a very strong inclination towards God and I dont have much knowledge either. Seems like I can solve this problem first, and other problems will be easier to solve after this is solved. I have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in what others are beleiving in or not. )

-- dont try to distract mind to everything. Think simply. Dont think too complex. Think about what I want to do, and then do it. Dont keep wandering. These days I am thinking like this -- think about what to do, start doing another thing, and then start doing another thing, and then not finding time for what I started to do, and then not doing the secondary activities I started in the middle to completion as well... ..so basically ending up doing nothing to completion.

PLAN AND EFFORT IS NECESSARY.

-- Most importantly, have a regular sleep schedule. Try meditation, hanuman chalisa reading. Try to concentrate on God, and meditate. Relax

-- Dont take life too big. Take is small. Decrease the number of things you want to do. Understand that simple and unknown life is also good if you are able to be happy, and spread happiness around. Always remember Meera's quote.

-- Take a print out of this note, and read it again and again slowly, and then try actually carrying out what is written here to completion

-- Take help. Talk. The world is here to help you, as my boss at Paypal used to say.