Internal Behavior 1 - diary
[This is more like a typical diary entry than the others - this was written in a direct, running flow, and with no back thoughts]
I am. I think I am.
Is the door I see actually there in front of me or I am imagining a person who is in front of the door? (Is he me? Is he actually really me? Am I? I think I am.)
A person who is the perfect anti-thesis to life itself. A person who is incapable of performing its basic functions, a person whose even survival for 24 years seems to me nothing short of amazing.
I can move his hands. I can tell him to go somewhere I want him to go with limited but definite success. I told him to catch a bus to go to job and he missed 3 of them consecutively. And amazingly he does this on an almost regular basis. How further can a thought and action be apart?
[He is me]
This stage has come after a long series of experiences.
My defining characteristic is "dullness". I start from there.
The break between action and thought probably came out when thoughts wanted to come out of the paralysis of action. But even the paralysis of action came about, I think, because of basic incompatibility of action with social norms (beating sisters when small, just running around with enthusiasm with no mental maturity at all) and the heavy social rejection (Panchgani) I sense a string of madness in me since as long as I can remember. Madness is what? Madness is feeling wierd, having a feeling to do something which do not conform with any social convention. The incapability of mind to assimilate many diverse sources of information into coherent essence and use that to direct yourself towards making yourself happy [and follow social norms which are actually directed towards making mutual survival of a large number of people easier]. This dumbness is the basic core of me. However, this is complimentary to the inherent dullness. How each of them is a cause of the other is difficult to find - but they do have mutually reinforcing properties. This dumbness and dullness has given rise to all of my behavior I think.
With these streaks of d & d (which usually come with a bonus of ,adness), you cannot be natural and still be accepted. Social rejection resulting from d&d is the most important director of behavior. To counter this, you form two layers of yourself - your thoughts which form a buffer between the instincts and actual actions.
Currently I am deeply unhappy. Maybe my madness gave rise to a behavior pattern earliy in life, which was pleasure in going down or telling others I am down. To tend to show something about myself to others indirectly (which shows my uniqueness or brings attention) since I am never able to get their attention in the first place.
- Is my desire to love every boy and unite with every girl a result of rejection?
- I need a companion who is such a romantic that she doesnt mind madness.
- To counter madness I continuously ruminate on my action thoughts to feign smartness. But fail to do so spontaneously.
- I love crying.
- I love sentimental music.
- I love crying for other people and I feel in love.
I am. I think I am.
Is the door I see actually there in front of me or I am imagining a person who is in front of the door? (Is he me? Is he actually really me? Am I? I think I am.)
A person who is the perfect anti-thesis to life itself. A person who is incapable of performing its basic functions, a person whose even survival for 24 years seems to me nothing short of amazing.
I can move his hands. I can tell him to go somewhere I want him to go with limited but definite success. I told him to catch a bus to go to job and he missed 3 of them consecutively. And amazingly he does this on an almost regular basis. How further can a thought and action be apart?
[He is me]
This stage has come after a long series of experiences.
My defining characteristic is "dullness". I start from there.
The break between action and thought probably came out when thoughts wanted to come out of the paralysis of action. But even the paralysis of action came about, I think, because of basic incompatibility of action with social norms (beating sisters when small, just running around with enthusiasm with no mental maturity at all) and the heavy social rejection (Panchgani) I sense a string of madness in me since as long as I can remember. Madness is what? Madness is feeling wierd, having a feeling to do something which do not conform with any social convention. The incapability of mind to assimilate many diverse sources of information into coherent essence and use that to direct yourself towards making yourself happy [and follow social norms which are actually directed towards making mutual survival of a large number of people easier]. This dumbness is the basic core of me. However, this is complimentary to the inherent dullness. How each of them is a cause of the other is difficult to find - but they do have mutually reinforcing properties. This dumbness and dullness has given rise to all of my behavior I think.
With these streaks of d & d (which usually come with a bonus of ,adness), you cannot be natural and still be accepted. Social rejection resulting from d&d is the most important director of behavior. To counter this, you form two layers of yourself - your thoughts which form a buffer between the instincts and actual actions.
Currently I am deeply unhappy. Maybe my madness gave rise to a behavior pattern earliy in life, which was pleasure in going down or telling others I am down. To tend to show something about myself to others indirectly (which shows my uniqueness or brings attention) since I am never able to get their attention in the first place.
- Is my desire to love every boy and unite with every girl a result of rejection?
- I need a companion who is such a romantic that she doesnt mind madness.
- To counter madness I continuously ruminate on my action thoughts to feign smartness. But fail to do so spontaneously.
- I love crying.
- I love sentimental music.
- I love crying for other people and I feel in love.
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