Interview with myself

If somebody asks me these questions, these will be my answers:

Q) So hey, what are you trying to do?
A) I am trying to prove I am smart.

Q) You make friends and relationships for what? Growing up together, supporting each other, learning from each other, or sharing cultural memes?
A) I make friends and relationships in order to get "approval" for myself, and to have somebody who thinks that I am smart.

Q) You ask questions and discuss issues and concepts with others. Do you do thatt we understand life and world better, and then we can together live life better, and more happily?
A) I discuss and debate in order to get approval from others that I am smart.

Q) Do you do anything other than trying to prove to others that you are smart?
A) No.

Q) Come on. You must be doing something else... like working towards your life path, enhancing your life impact and effect for feeling the sense of growth, helping out your family, etc.?
A) Everything that I do is for proving that I am smart.

Q) Should you advise anybody to be your friend or in some relationship with you?
A) No. I should be dumped out of the world.

Q) Is that what the world is doing to you right now?
A) It is trying to, but failing. I hope it succeeds.

Q) Do you think you will become better? (OR what is the diagnosis and prognosis of this?)
A) I am dumb & dull, which caused social rejection, which effectively resulted me dropping into the "Show that I am smart" attitude. And my broken relationships caused me to be unsatisfied and unclear on my sexual instincts, which has further instilled masochistic tendencies into me (these are somehow indirectly related to sexual pleasure). And now these masochistic tendencies give me pleasure on hurting myself in all kinds of ways -- continuing to be in "act smart" attitude is one strong example of this....(since acting smart makes me fail in all kinds of relationships). I think these tendencies will continue to hurt me unto my death.

talking to family is tonic for me

Whenever I talk to my mummy and daddy, I feel different.

I feel that I have a life. I feel that I know how to live happily.

Its a very weird -- different experience.

Everyday I am thinking of what to do. It appears like such a difficult choice. Whether to go this way or that way. Meeting so many different kinds of people having so many different kinds of lives -- ideas about lives -- that one becomes confused.

When I talk to my parents, I feel I am okay... I am leading a fine life with a fine job, and a fine everything else. I just need to enjoy it.

Its so different.

In the traditional model of life, that my parents have (we are from a small town in India, having our own little way of doing this), I have to just be a simple person following what the values and cultures of traditional life tell...its not about self expression, its about how much you know about "what should be done according to what our society says". Its a completely different model than what we have here -- "what do I want to do?". This difference in the focus over an individual is obvious, glaring, and widereaching.


Its something related to this other observation: When I meet some people, I see that they are dynamic, and are always looking for ways to enrich their life, looking for new ways to have fun, looking for new things to learn (for some: "and analyze"), etc. But there are so many other people, who appear so simple: they look like they are not trying to be happy, they are just happy intrinsically...they have some kind of bliss or some deep contentment written over their face -- they dont need to do a lot to be happy -- just basic simple things will make them happy or sad. They dont confuse or over-complicate their lives. They stick with the basics. They are not the kind of people who will invent theory of relativity (since intelligence, sometimes I feel, is a consequence of some kind of a disturbed, unstable mind); but neither they need someone to do it.

The latter kind of people are easier to love, and befriend. By easier, I mean, I feel like talking to such kind of people more. I feel like being around them. They wont talk about weird new ways of looking at life, but they will pull together a subspace filled with care, support, love and closeness.

When I am very sad, I hardly think about any intelligent thing. I think about my family and love. I think about simplicity of love. I yearn for care, and not analysis.



And look at me...what I have become. I try to analyze everything. I try to analyze happiness and life. I analyze people, and culture. I analyze engineering problems. I try to make analysis as the basis of my behavior.

Its such a burden now that I think about it.

Simplicity is divine, complications are a bane.

God bless Life, and all that goes with it.