talking skills

My natural self is suppressed a lot. Why do I always try to "be" something whenever I talk to people. My talking skills have alsmost got onto a point which is so low that I have nt seen anything like it before from anybody. I have just forgotten to talk. Especially with new people. With people who are already my friends, my condition is deteriorating but it is still okay. It might get affected also though. With new people, though, the ones whom I met after joining this job 6 months ago, in the company, I have been a very complete looser. I havent been able to make friends with anybody, because going to anybody i start thinking about "what should I say to him", "what is he thinking about me", "I know I cant mix, oh i am in such a bad situation", "what should I say", "what do people say", "what do people want", "why am i flawed", etc. Low-esteem as never seen before in the history of humanity? ;)

I SHOULD DIE....................

I mean, how can I go on like this? Shall I change my company? This weekend I am seriously thinking of seeing a psychotheraphist/psychologist. Lets see how they are. I cant see, however, how another person can solve my problem. I know most about myself, only I should be the best person to solve my problems. How can I tell the doctor everything about myself - everything that is written in this blog , and everything that is not? I will never be able to gather everything and tell him a coherent pciture.

God should not let anybody go through this phase.

AND EVERYTHING IS MOSTLY DUE TO MY MASOCHISM. I AM DELIBERATELY TRYING TO CREATE AND MAINTAIN PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF. I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. I AM ENJOYING MY PROBLEMS. WHICH IS A NOT SO GOOD THING.

MASOCHISM ==== BAD LIFE.

If you have masochistic tendencies, drop them now, or you are headed to hell.

For a while I can be such a nice and comely person. People would want to come and meet, talk with me, if they see me then.

And then, due to some thought, after a while, that comes along my mind based on some intense distillation of the surroundings, brings me down to the knees, and then, I fall apart. Stop talking. Dont know what to say. Become D&D. Become repulsive. People would not want to come within some feet of me. Or some miles?

Due to the second state, I think I have been involved in causing other people to come to depression. I can see atleast 4 people that have become depressed because of me.

Dont come near me!!!!

bad things grow fast

If you are not happy with yourself, you tend to behave not very well with others. The others may not understand that this is because you are not happy with *yourself*, they may mistake it that you are not happy with *them* or are simply *rude*, and this will further amplify the first cause - of not being happy with yourself.

Why all negative things in the world have to be self-reinforcing, and exponentially growing?

problems

As my boss said, "Recognizing a weakness is only the first step. Second is to actually solve it. Dont stop at the first"

some self notes (Incomplete)

Actually it is not necessary to find reasons for everything. When I see a person, I should not always try to reduce his behavior to patterns. I should not always try to find reasons or motivations for his behavior. I am getting distracted from the normal process. The normal process of looking from where you are -- just be where you are - and feel things - and feel about people - and form relationships. Imagine people as nice "people", and not nice "behavior generators".

BELIEVE in free will. Believe that people actually have a will, and can choose how to be.

BELIEVE in what you have learned since childhood. For example, if you like cricket, then dont say that "Oh it is just a pattern formed under these circumstances and surroundings, and it is satisfy this and this raw tendencies of a person." Instead say that "I like cricket. Lets watch it. Lets play it."

http://www-scf.usc.edu/~gkhetan/blog/2004_08_01_archive.html#109257164278847541


Actually my ego saying that - "See I have found out so different and so intelligent ways to look at life. See I exist. Though I am not able to convey my personality in practice, see I have one - you can look at my electronic life - emails, website, blogs. And see I am so smart and philosophical that I have found new ways of looking at life that generally nobody does. I am one of a kind. "

This ego hurts me a lot. I should just give up all this ego, and try looking at life believing that "I am just one of a kind of 6 billion people. I am common. I am the usual. I should follow others."

And also my masochistic tendencies hurt me the most. The egoistic tendency mentioned above is just one manifestation of my overwhelming masochistic tendency. Tendency of getting late deliberately. Not sleeping early. Not taking it easy.

(Incomplete)

External Behavior 7

Good in the beginning, then loosing track because of lack of ability to have constant attention or indiscipline, and feeling out-of-place and feeling not in conformance with everyone.

life is simple?

It should be simple ... Basically I have to figure out the following:

- what I want
- how I become happy
- how can I make others happy
- though happiness only is a result of a flawed image of life in general, it is not bad to have a flawed image if you get happiness from it


As Mother Meera said -- "Do your job and duties joyfully and wholeheartedly. Try to bring peace and happiness in your family and in your surroundings. And repeat the name of God often." (I dont remember exact words, but the meaning is same.)

This quote can be used a HOW-TO for life. And after this, sometimes I think, no other advise is actually necessary. Nothing else is important. You just need to do this.

Yes, life is actually that simple.

abnormality (Incomplete)

And not doing this, is what is bad.

I am trying to look at things in such a different way that I have forgotten the norm, and I am failing in normal things.

My workplace situation couldnt have been worser. I have completely failed to form relationships in the company, even professional. My social skills, and even basic human skills which are like "talking" -- I have lost and forgotten. I have trouble thinking "normally". When I want to excel, I think that why am I trying to boast my ego here. Why am I trying to form a identity here which is based on ego and survival, which are mundane and meaningless things. Though, yes, ego helps you in survival, this then removes all meaning
(Incomplete)

actually make sure that

I think I need to forget about all this for a while, and sincerely concentrate on survival. I will have to develop interest in it, I will have to really make myself believe that survival is actually important, and that I myself actually want to intend to make all my actions better my survival.

I want to actually make sure that I have the groceries, that my room is clean, that I have clean clothes, that I make sure I pay all the credit card payments on time, make sure that I know enough about the area so that I can make the best out of it, try to do everything the best way, and to find optimal paths in everything I do, so that I can enjoy better success, fulfill more of my dreams and desires, and be happy for the time I am here, uhhhhh, even though I have no reason to be.

I want to actually make sure that I want happiness, and that I will pursue situations, people and things which make me happy. In other words, I will have to make the effort to reach my own happiness. Yes, really I will have to do this.

things that cheer me up

I need to find things I like, that make me happy, and track them down, follow them, do them.

For example:
- some melodious, emotional songs, both english and hindi
- finding that other people like me
- reading quotes, for example on my quotes page - http://gaurang.org/quotes
- surfing for information - http://gaurang.org/bookmarks/xbel.html
- being around, within people...elevated, happy people


I will add to the list later.