changing, yet being myself
i dont have to judge myself so much.
its okay, i am okay. i am doing fine.
i dont have to stop loving other people --- i am regularly a person who likes to play it low on ego, and to like other people, to admire other people (at self's expense), and to find mistakes in myself, then I try to think why cant i be like others?
i fail to acheive anything i want -- i want to read a book -- i fail to read it -- i want to make my parents+family+friends+acquaintainces happy -- i fail to do what i want to do -- then i feel bad and miserable -- and then i feel i should be more like others.
when i try to be like others -- i fail -- and the people who are familiar with me, and like my older self (i dont usually realize that), they find me different -- and then it does fit in my usual personality, and then it appears that my friendships are failing, because i have changed, the personality with which i made those relationships itself has changed (i dont usually realize that there must be something good about my own natural personality that people feel nice and make friends with me for that reason)
i dont have to change a lot, i dont have to become like others. its okay, i have faults, thats okay, maybe as a whole person i am not negative? maybe i am positive when i add up everything about me -- so what i need to do is not to become like others, not to monitor and judge closely everything i do; but basically modify my personality ever so slightly that whatever i intend to do, i can do. What I want I finish, I fail no responsibilities I want to keep. And I can make decisions I like, and not waste time, and in general lead a good, fulfilling, enriching life.
That way i keep being myself (loving others, not imposing myself on others, merging with other people's personalities, respecting others, not demeaning others in order to feel good,) and yet not feel a sense of failure. If however, some part of my personality makes me fail to do what I want to do, then I must leave attachment to those tendencies, and forget they were ever a part of me, myself.
(reminds me of my earlier "to be or to become" dilemma)
its okay, i am okay. i am doing fine.
i dont have to stop loving other people --- i am regularly a person who likes to play it low on ego, and to like other people, to admire other people (at self's expense), and to find mistakes in myself, then I try to think why cant i be like others?
i fail to acheive anything i want -- i want to read a book -- i fail to read it -- i want to make my parents+family+friends+acquaintainces happy -- i fail to do what i want to do -- then i feel bad and miserable -- and then i feel i should be more like others.
when i try to be like others -- i fail -- and the people who are familiar with me, and like my older self (i dont usually realize that), they find me different -- and then it does fit in my usual personality, and then it appears that my friendships are failing, because i have changed, the personality with which i made those relationships itself has changed (i dont usually realize that there must be something good about my own natural personality that people feel nice and make friends with me for that reason)
i dont have to change a lot, i dont have to become like others. its okay, i have faults, thats okay, maybe as a whole person i am not negative? maybe i am positive when i add up everything about me -- so what i need to do is not to become like others, not to monitor and judge closely everything i do; but basically modify my personality ever so slightly that whatever i intend to do, i can do. What I want I finish, I fail no responsibilities I want to keep. And I can make decisions I like, and not waste time, and in general lead a good, fulfilling, enriching life.
That way i keep being myself (loving others, not imposing myself on others, merging with other people's personalities, respecting others, not demeaning others in order to feel good,) and yet not feel a sense of failure. If however, some part of my personality makes me fail to do what I want to do, then I must leave attachment to those tendencies, and forget they were ever a part of me, myself.
(reminds me of my earlier "to be or to become" dilemma)
