Myself?

I have vicariously inherited so many emotional mindsets and outlooks from other people, that I no longer know where I end and my vicariously learned self starts.

I no longer know whether I myself want to go for the dance lessons, or whether its just an emotion that I vicariously inherited (something like -- "oh look at that person - he/she is happy -- analyse her emotional mindset -- look, I should be like that -- I am so dumb/dull! -- I should be like that ", and then I slowly inherit various states of excited, gregarious emotional states)...

It has helped mostly, since actually I had various kinds of deficiencies in my emotional mindset as compared to a normal person, and I was able to understand my deficiencies, and rectify those in myself slowly...

But nothing comes for free -- Now I no longer who I am -- and the problem becomes bigger here: nobody else who meets also understands who I am... nobody is able to understand what kind of person I am -- this strange inconsistent mix of emotions gives an impression of an artificial, vague kind of person, with no real self...

And then relationships become a little difficult...

What I must do, is to stabilize on my emotions -- to create a "new me" -- which will be a particular mix of myself and my inculcated self, but in a more natural, stabilized, consistent form -- and thereafter reduce or stop the further inculcation -- in other words, rest in peace.

spending time avoiding social disapprovals

I tend to spend a LOT of time thinking about how to avoid failure (like failing to fulfill what people, both strangers and acquaintances, expect me to do; basically failing to get social approval) and how to patch past failures; in fact I do not spend as much time on anything else.

Actually, almost all of my behavior is centered around avoiding social disapprovals.

I get most happy when I am able to successfully avoid a possible big social disapproval.


I must think more about constructive ways to enrich and fulfill myself, rather than possible social approval failures, and those will automatically reduce possibly if I stop thinking about them.

But hard to do; its not easy to give up a hard-embibed habit. Its stuck.


I think if I stop thinking about them, and think about direct positive self-enrichment, and fulfillment; I will be able to get to my real social self; and break it free from the shell, right into open social space.