Internal Behavior 2 - diary

[this is another diary entry - which was written running, and no thought about making this right or perfect.)

I have always had this fear of being dumb. When I talk to people I find that I have very few things to say to people - thigns that would interest them. Even when I speak to friends, I soon run out of things to say, and I have to make myself think of things to say. And often I find that they become disinterested in what I say very soon. And I feel really dumb and inferior at that point since I have not found any other person facing this issue.

I find that people are so mature and can think of things to do and things to say whereas I cannot.

People seem to have a personality, whereas I do not.

I have figured out these days that in my inner depths I am d&d - dumb and dull. Being dull, means my most natural state is to just do nothing and even stop my brain. Like a dead person. Being dumb means my brain is very slow and gets confused so very often.

A lot of times I have observed that people tend to go away from me - almost like being repelled from one. Nobody likes me. Or even comes close to it.

My friends - they must be sick of me. I always need to be taken care of - I cannot manage myself. they do take care of me, but soon they will grow sick of me. I have a good group of friends from my school days when we are not expected to be mature. But now that we are grown up, I fear that they might also turn away since they have become mature, whereas I am the same dumb person I was earlier.

These d&d have caused a lot of effects on my behavior over time.

I have become a narcissistic, where in I always try to create an image for others which is not d&d. All of my effort are directed towards proving I am not dumb and dull, but am smart and enthusiastic. but those images never persist, and they get broken very quickly, then I tend to be a little rude, or apologetic or withdraw completely from society.

Yes, I am not fit for life and for society.

In one of those long time efforts to make others not find out that I am d&d, I have another thread of thought always running in parrallel which is trying to observe me and trying to figure what others are thinking of me now - have they found out yet that I am d&d? This thread hinders my present-mindedness a lot, but maybe it is there to prevent me from being present minded because of my fear that when I become present minded, people will find out about my true reality. Another of those long time efforts is to think a lot about any problems so that I may find a solution that others did not and thus prove to others that I am smart. And somehow I feel that my analytical thinking is better than average. By writing this down, my unconscious reason might be that other read this and take sympathy and I am finally accepted into society as a normal person.

Sometimes my dumbness & dullness becomes the dominant cause of problems, sometimes my dissociation, sometimes my narcissism, sometimes my arrogance (arrogance because I try to prove that no I am indeed really smart - to cover up all of my d&d).

Apart from all of my negative qualities, I believe that I have a good quality of empathy - which makes me feel the sorrow of others and sympathise with them.

Currently I feel good when people pay attention to me (in any sense, praising me, criticizing me, sympathizing with me), I think this is because I havent been able to get their love & engage in healthy mutual friendships because of d&d.