feeling down

It feels like I am now becoming more and more content with my dullness.

Am I heading out in the right direction, or a worse direction?

Earlier I used to be charged up about improving, and abotu counter attacking my problems like dullness etc. I used t build up entusiasm and energy in myself, so that other people liek me. But in the past few days, it appears that I ahave become tired. Now I dont want to do anything. I feel content with what exists. I am now not lifting up the cell phone sometime. Sometime I dont do anything. I feel strangely okay with whats going on. Do I have to always pester myself to action and energy? I know that it has been good, because action and energy is something that is good to transfer within groups. And we make relationships based on that. But how much should we try to change ourself. How much should we just be ourself, and how much shoudl we try to change ourself. My response to emails, and my keeping up with daily activities has also reduced. I feel like doing nothing. My mind goes off in weird directions, and I forget to do basic things, like fulfilling basic tasks like replying to mails, filling forms, phoning friends and relatives, getting up in the morning, doing things which I want to do.

Now what I want is only bliss -- doing nothing. Just settle down and do nothing.

Is it that I am going back to depression?

Is it depression at its best?

This reminds me of the days when I was having trouble with completing basic tasks. Those days are back.

Life needs so much motivation... where should I gather so much motivation?

However, probably just my mood isnt great today. Sometimes when my mood is great, I am as happy as anybody could be.

The thing is I need to discover myself and my path.

Then I will get back my motivation as well as happiness as well as energy.

Yea yeah, I know I am putting unnecessary conditionals on something I must do now.

Like a child, who postpones that he will do his homework only after he fills up ink in his ink pen, which never comes soon.

focus on more normal life things

I am trying to focus on these things these days:

• reliability
  
• productivity (this is more used for work-related purposes, but I mean in a general sense -- like being productive means completing more tasks that I want to do, regardless of whether they are related to business or pleasure)
  
• being happy -- finding how can I get a smile on my face in whatever I do (see my recent entry in Thought Blog --
  
• planning -- such that everybody turns out to be happy and that it is also convenient to all of them
  
• fulfilling duties
  
• getting context in social situations (usually i feel completely out of context)
  
• getting some ego, and some self respect, since these are helpful for getting motivated to manage ourselves well, which in turn makes other people better with you.
  

beat myself

I think to need beat myself a little bit, in order to get up and cheerful.

distance

Understanding the boundaries between people is so important.

I have no understanding of this distance. Or I need to refine it a lot more.

How much I am for me, and how much I am for others.

For example, I like to talk to other people like they are my own,. Like I am them and they are me. I take their decisions and problems as my own. I try to solve their problems like my own.

This has both positives and negatives. Both them and me like when we both take their problems as ours. But then I also tend to take their decisions as something like mine. For this case, it usually works out since they understand my nature. But somtimes this is a big problem since even for new people I do this. So I tell them " no, you should do this, not that". This creates problems because they feel that I am stepping on their feet.

Its this distance. Its so difficult to find the correct distance . yeah.

The second negative is that I myself get clobberred. I am not able to do my own things , and not able to find time to keep myself happy. Most of the time I am solving others problems. In fact, I did not even think this way that "I am solving others problems" . Because all these problems appear to me as mine, the people appear to me as mine, so whats the problem. The problem is that maybe we as humans do not have enough time even theoretically to solve lot of problems besides our own. Maybe our society has not progressed enough that we have ample time besides fulfilling our own survival needs to give to others. Maybe it is the law of nature. Maybe it is the current state of society. Or maybe it is just me and my mismanagement, and my misefficiency.

Or maybe it just my immaturity.

maturity

"Dont waste time on these useless things. Think of earning money. Do things that will earn money. Do some useful stuff dude."

If everybody does everything for earning money, or should do such, then I feel like running away from this world. Am I trying to escape reality?

have fun

Pasting from http://gaurang.org/blog/index.html#a000324

One thing I have found is that its easy to live with people in some ways. For example, all that people are seeking is a nice way of having fun in life, people meet in order to have fun, and exchange lively, funny, useful conversation. Just believe in this and nothing else, and you have already solved one aspect of your life. Second is realizing the other desires of people -- like security, being loved, considered capable, some intimate company, someone to share joys and sorrows, etc. After realizing this, it should be relatively easy to interact with people in general. AND YES, I SHOULD NOT FORGET -- CONVENIENCE. People look for convenience, AND CONSERVATION OF RESOURCES.

We should learn how to manage all these coveted factors around, and we have learned to live and understand people! :)

phone calls

One thing is managing phone calls. I should be able to live life in the present, and manage phone calls such that I do not get disturbed in what I am doing, and that I do not discomfort the people around me.

Learn when to take phone calls, and when to not, when to make phone calls, and how to make sure you return phone calls.

managing self

One problem with me is managing myself.

I should be controlled, composed, acting only towards things that really should be done (instead of wasting time in useless things or doing useful things at the incorrect time).

This is very important.

I have lost my happiness because I have become very slow (thinking more than doing anything -- lazy?), and therefore fail to perform the necessary routine things. And these things always being in the back of my mind (i have still gotta do this, i have still gotta do that), I dont find time to do things which I like to do, or which will enrich life or make it more lively and joyous.

Thinking also has got its advantages since by thinking I have been able to infer many subtle things about life and people, and maybe have become a little wiser - although not directly -- since otherwise i would have been able to make myself happy. But thinking is only good when it is done under control -- when you are able to exercise thinking power while controlling its "when", "how much", "about what", with dexterity.

But due to my lack of control of this thinking power, basic things arent being done, and i have been falling behind in many routine mundane chores, which include my interaction with friends and family. This then reduces to even not being able to do things which I want to do, and thus an all-point-failure, and thus sorrow.

What is the cause of this?

Is it that I have just become more free here because of lack of constant control from parents/friends in India? Is it that I have lost context? Is it that I have fallen into nihilism? Is it that I have fallen into despair because of failures in action? Is it that I have fallen into despair because of failure in interaction with failure and relationships? Is it because of the masochistic tendencies wherein I take pleasure in troubling myself?

I know its all of these reasons combined in various proportions.

I am the perfect example of how much low a person can go with no particular substantial causal event.... in other words, failure of a person to keep himself happy. Well maybe there were events. But I know that I havent handled them properly.

And yes, one more problem. Complete lack of spontaneity? All of my actions are thought-generated, and none of them are spontaneous. OFCOURSE It doesnt mean that I dont have emotions but actually I have emotions, and a lot of emotions. In fact, instead of caring for my own survival, I become very emotionally attached to people. Hmm. Maybe lack of spontaneity is just because of my extra thoughts.

Hmm. Self Management. Maybe I need to do some kind of a "Personal Management" MBA or something!

ask yourself how to be happy

Be silent.

Ask your heart what you really want to do, and how you can be really happy. Zoom in on the answer. Clear out unnecessary details. And then do it.

If you are happy, you will involuntarily spread happiness.

personal fulfillment

From this recent entry in my thought blog:

The basic question is -- is life based on personal fulfillment worth pursuing? Personal fulfillment includes helping one and close ones gain easier lives, looking to minimize resource use (money, time, attention, actions, etc.), trying to gain happiness by ways learned by living life till today, trying to achieve self respect by using ways learned by looking at family and friends, growing, trying to make our image in the eyes of others better, etc.


This thorn in my mind is hard to get rid of.