disappointed

Sometimes I feel that I haven't ever been understood by anybody, and maybe never will be. Maybe I have never understood myself. Or maybe I have to a certain extent, but maybe do not have the necessary willpower to do anything about it. Even if somebody comes asking to me about my plight, I cannot explain it to them, since I don't know how.....these are emotions so deep that logical explanations do not feel sufficiently descriptive to be able to put words on them...Or that the emotions are so complex, that they cannot be explained in linear thoughts, which are what we communicate in.

What do I want? Do I want other people to like me? Do I want other people to consider me as a mature person? Do I want ....


Sometimes I make the effort to go ahead and mix with people, put in a lot of enthusiasm, and then things dont work out. And then I have to ask myself, what am I doing? Am I really going in the right direction? Does the world want this? Do I want this? I don't know.

And as it is, my mind plays games with me. I can't think straight, nor write straight, my mind thinks so addictively about what others will think of this situation, and my mind gets saturated, with no real results...nothing gone, nothing done.

Like, right now, as I am writing this, I don't know whether I am writing what I want to. I don't know whether my mind is picking up words from what I am saying or words which have randomly, arbitrarily appeared from some deep complex wiring inside the brain, or from trying to calculate what others will think of me, and then produce words which will impress them?

I don't know who I am. My mind is incompetent of anything, and thus I am. I am the most useless person ever born on the face of the earth.

Everybody makes fun of me, because I am dumb, and say things which are so dumb. I don't know how others can think so fast. Why am I so dumb? What did I do?

What I am - how much is a result of my actions - and how much is God's creation?

Why am I so bad?

Why cant I reason out a way to my own happiness?

Why there is so much conflict within the brain? What do I want to do?

Do I want to be a super-smart guy that everybody is in awe for?

Do I want to be someone so honest, and trustful and moral, that he never does wrong?

Why cant I just be a normal happy person? What will I want from showing other people that I am moral, and intelligent?

Maybe because I am trying to show because of the very lack of these qualities, which has made my life a living hell.


How can people be so happy?

Does hating people, or identifying people who you match with -- is that the way to live life?

It does look like that hating people does help make us ourselves happier, because we feel that we have exercised our choice, and we feel powerful, and enacters, and we feel that now we can enjoy our choices? As if, because they were not our choices, so we couldn't enjoy them?

(Incomplete)