so confused

Why am I so always confused?

I am so confused about life right now.

I dont know how to behave .... how can people behave so spontaneously?

I am confused about what I am supposed to be. I was a geek for sometime....shall I continue to be a geek? Some people like geeks too. Then I was originally bound to be a family person. Shall I be that? I like that too, and many people like that. But my background is not plain family person. ......bahbah bah

Basically my background is not simple. I have not been one kind of person always. I have been different kinds of person at different times.

Career oriented, intellectualism oriented, community oriented, family oriented, friends oriented, spread-joy-around oriented, business oriented, culture oriented, class oriented, etc. These are some of the orientations I have had over time. I have gone around these, because of my maturity -- if I always behaved spontaneously I would have followed a sane development path over these orientations. But the childishness in me really cant make any decisions or clear rational choices; this, and the absence of spontaneity, made me wander from orientation to orientation, without really knowing what I am , and what I want to be.

Confusion reigns supreme, and that affects a lot in my relationships, and even in my work.

Clarity and Spontaneity would be very desirable right now, but in my confusion, I am not even sure about that. Otherwise I could have tried to force them upon my subconscious.

ACtually, sometimes I feel why do I think so much -- why to think what I am supposed to be, what I should follow -- etc -- instead just follow what the heart says..... this kind of philosophy was told to me by Pragya, and I also believed in it for a while, when I wrote my quote -- "Dont try to be like others, just be happy." a few months ago. In fact, I stuck that quote on top of my cube at Paypal. People were surprised to see what this guy was doing -- such immaturity!

Anyway, now I have to work on such issues at Cisco, so that botherations about relationships and "what-I-should-be" type issues doesnt affect my focus and work.

But, alas. Relationships build around clarity and spontaneity, and problems in relationships really kill you and stop you from doing any work.

I have a huge task ahead of me, and time in Life is running out. I have already crossed a quarter of a century of years, and I should have been better now...but I will definitely grow.