i feel

i feel that i cannot do even what everybody is able to do. people create self-sustaining and nurturing environment around them. i have failed in that fundamental way. I have completely failed.

i feel i have not been able to grow. people follow a growing path. i have failed to do that. i have not gotten better at doing anything. i have not become more responsible. i have not become more capable of accomplishing tasks. i have not been able to form friendships and relationships with other people and form a world where people grow with each other.

i havent been able to connect with people.

i havent been able to take care of myself.

i havent been able to take strides with people and be growingly successful.

there is a whole machinery in the world here, the groundwork is already laid out, you should be able to do this, and then this, and then this, and then this. If you fail anywhere along the way, you are considered a failure in life.

of course the system is not that bad. the system supports if you start failing a little, all people you know will try to help you and get you into a bettter position. But then if you start failing too much, then you are gone. The support systems will suddenly cease to exist and you will fall apart. You have failed to follow the machination.

i havent been able to keep myself happy. i havent been able to take care of myself.

i have found that whether you are able to lead a good life depends on whether you are able to form good, mature, nurturing, healthy relationships with people around you. This factor determines whether you are able to lead a happy life, and actually even whether you are successful in your work and life (though that also depends a little bit on some other factors as well).

if you cant relate, you are gone.

i cant even talk to people. i dont know what to talk. nobody wants to listen to me. since i am mostly boring. i dont have anything to say.

i am afraid of holidays because i worry i will not be able to find ways to enjoy.

i dontknow how to enjoy, and i dont know how to find happiness.

in fact i am a masochist, i try to make things as worse as possible. in that i get some sort of a "kick". every problem is a result of this. inspite of all flaws, if I just wouldnt have been a masochist, then i would have tried to make myself better, and tried to create myself happy. but my masochism is very strong, and everything fades before that

nobody likes me. that is not their fault. it is not just one person. it is everybody. it is because i am unlikeable. simply. this is not to attract sympathy -- not asking for people to say, "you know what, you are not that bad...."

my brain cant even think straight. It has lots of thoughts going on, most of which are meaningless and purposeless, and basically nonsense.

my attitudes are wrong. i am a narcissist.

i am an egotist as well. I dont want to mix with people. I am a snobbish little person with no use to society.

There is no drive behind me...

here i have failed to form a support system, which will support me.

at this point, if somebody else would have been in my situation, with all my incapabilites, dumbness, dullness, flaws, self-created problems, etc then maybe they would have committed suicide. but i am such an insensitive little kid that i dont even want to do that.

i take pleasure in problems.

i have just not been able to get up soon for the past few months. i was fired from my job due to this. i cant accomplish anything.
i used to miss the bus 3 times a day...my brain just doesnt listen. it just doesnt