problems and solutions

I am now kind of identifying the key problems from a practical perspective (instead of only thinking from a psychological perspective) . I can target these problems directly then:

-- masochistic tendencies: I need to identify as soon as they occur. As soon as I find any desires/tendencies/leanings towards things that are not good for me, I need to stop, realize them, and curb them at that point itself.

-- need to organize my own stuff, so that I can do whatever I want to do: due to my time mismanagement and my masochistic tendencies, I have not been able to do things which I want to do, and thus it instills a sense of failure in me, and then I become depressed, I am not even able to complete my necessary activities and keep failing in everything; the logic being that if I competently do and complete things which I actually want to do , then I will automatically feel better about myself.

-- put a time gap in the end: do all things before the deadline. So that I dont feel failure at not being able to completet things because of my procrastination and putting them at the end of time, because of which I frequently fail in completing tasks or at time entirely skip over them

-- friends and family are important to me - if I am able to make them happy, then I should consider myself successful and be happy - always follow that Mother Meera quote :

"I suggest that you do your job and your duties wholeheartedly and joyfully, and bring peace and happiness in your family and in your surroundings; do Japa, the chanting or repeating of the name of God, and ask for whatever you want, and you will recieve it." - Mother Meera

-- I need to talk with my family and friends a little more, make sure I have enough time to call them and help and seek help from them. I should be able to complete my own chores faster so that I have time for this. Hmm. this is actually a strong motivation to complete my chores faster. So that I have time to do things what I want to do, and be able to interact more with friends and family, and spread happiness.

-- dont try to prove that you are smart and can handle everything. Ask For Help, If You Need It. This is a basic thing I have realized over these past few days, when I was fired from my job. When you need help, dont try to prove that you are a tough person and can handle everything. Let more emotions come through. Dont try to conceal a lot of your emotions. After all, emotions are everything; ego and toughness are just impedicles. If you feel lonely, call your friend and tell them I am feeling lonely, and that you would like to talk with them. Dont feel lonely, and just keep crying, and thinking that I have failed to keep myself happy. ACT ABOUT IT. SOLVE PROBLEMS. Remember that thing in the last post? Add a suffix: "and so how can I solve this problem?" to every negative statement that you make about yourself. This has the added positive advantage of feeling that actually all problems are solvable.

-- the goal is not fame. You can be happy without fame. there is no need of a website telling thousands of people what you feel. Fame, ego are not that important. Only emotions of love and caring are. Only friends and relatives are. Only actual living people are. And Actually Acting Things Out in The Real World Is More Important Than Just Writing Stuff On The Web Where Noone Reads. Creating An Image Is Not Important - Being Happy Is More Important. Be In The Present.

-- you were more happy when you followed what regular people do. When you tried to be totally different (was it ego?) and develop your own theories and refuse to follow other people and thought about other people as foolish (Hmm, interesting. Do I really feel that other people are foolish? Here is some thing contradictory happenning. My depression's one big reason was extreme low self-esteem. The other one was philosophical nihilism. How can these two coexist. Because believing in nihilism implies that I am considering all other people as foolish since they DO NOT believe in nihilism. If I think I am dumb then I should follow other people, and not be nihilist. Hmm. There is something here. Maybe the ego is fighting it out here. The ego does not want to accept that I am as foolish as other people since they are not belieivng in nihilism. But then I get depressed because I think I am failing in all aspects of life. And therefore consider myself very lowly, and fall into extreme low self-esteem. Hmm. actually why I am failing in everything may be because of nihilism. Because of nihilism, I am thinking that all normal life is pointless, and therefore not having any motivation to be good, and act as per society. Thats why failing in everything, and then feeling depressed because I cannot do what normal people can do. I will have to think about -- I will have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in nihilism or not? If yes, then I should not be depressed about anything, and accept that I will fail in everything. If no, then I should get back on track, and understand life as I used to see it before -- which blended with all cultural values. Even stroking the ego, by rising higher and higher in job positions in companies, or by earning more and more money, or by getting into more and more selective positions, must be considered acceptable. Can I make a life, where these three things are not accepted, and yet I live a normal life? That will mean, a saint or something. But I am not a saint either, since I dont have a a very strong inclination towards God and I dont have much knowledge either. Seems like I can solve this problem first, and other problems will be easier to solve after this is solved. I have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in what others are beleiving in or not. )

-- dont try to distract mind to everything. Think simply. Dont think too complex. Think about what I want to do, and then do it. Dont keep wandering. These days I am thinking like this -- think about what to do, start doing another thing, and then start doing another thing, and then not finding time for what I started to do, and then not doing the secondary activities I started in the middle to completion as well... ..so basically ending up doing nothing to completion.

PLAN AND EFFORT IS NECESSARY.

-- Most importantly, have a regular sleep schedule. Try meditation, hanuman chalisa reading. Try to concentrate on God, and meditate. Relax

-- Dont take life too big. Take is small. Decrease the number of things you want to do. Understand that simple and unknown life is also good if you are able to be happy, and spread happiness around. Always remember Meera's quote.

-- Take a print out of this note, and read it again and again slowly, and then try actually carrying out what is written here to completion

-- Take help. Talk. The world is here to help you, as my boss at Paypal used to say.