Finding yourself...
(I wrote this in the afternoon. I am not as positive now as I was when I wrote this, but its better than before. Lets see what happens.)
After months of depression, and going and running around looking for something I dont know what, I have finally, it seems, found out what I was looking for. Maybe I was too dumb, and slow, but I feel I have finally found it. I have finally found the context of my life. Or rediscovered it, maybe with new angles never looked from before. Such is the miracle of life
I think that I was completely disoriented... I didnt know what I am, and what I was looking for. I was trying to look happy, and found short-time pleasures in certain activities. Like putting my mind into thought, some times on some important or non-important logical problem, but on most other times, in some random, purposeless mess of repressed emotions, desired situations that never happenned, vicariously experiencing emotions from imagination-enriched realities, frustrations, repeatedly diving into black holes (that pulls and pulls, and does not let you get away) of feelings of extreme low self esteem and extreme depression and extreme lack of motivation and purpose, nihilism, extreme indirection, etc.
I used to cry for 30 minutes daily for the past several months. And even for the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes, just try to suppress it.
Today I want to dance, today I want to sing, today I want to run out, today I want to jump in the air, today I want to fly, today I want to meet people, today I want to talk to people, today I want to live this life, today I have the energy to spend effort making my and other's lives better, today I know where I am, today I know where I am going, today I know where I want to go.
The machination that is the mind -- its easy to get it going on weird ways. There are just so many ways you can take it to, but unless there is the heart that drives it, everything that you do will be pointless.
READING YOUR HEART AND FOLLOWING WHAT IT SAYS IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.
Yes.
The key is to hold your reality firmly. The key is to remember every person you know on this planet every day. The key is to know what you want to do.
I was crying, in a depressed condition, and was trying to remember old times. All memories went before me. My mother laughing and crying with me. My father trying to make everybody in the family happy. The whole joint family trying to keep the family going forward, to prosper, to grow. My brothers and sisters. My friends. Their families. I remembered the whole thing. I suddenly started seeing myself. I got my life back.
I had forgotten everything. I had made my life hell. I had wiped off the whole history and context of life. Most people are able to maintain their context, I was not. The context that one gets by living 20-odd years of life in a family. Maybe I was seeing too many different kinds of lives here, maybe it was some internal problems such as ego, or maybe I was just too dumb.
I found out that I was most happy with my family at home. I found that I am only happy when I am able to make my family happy. I am only happy when I can make my mother, and father, happy. I am only happy when I can make my family happy.
Coming here, and chasing jobs, and job descriptions is chasing yourself. Unless you know the purpose of your chase, it is meaningless.
And the nice point is that if you are happy, and know how you can make yourself happy, your happiness spreads to others automatically. You make friends and relationships, and people around you feel good, and you then in turn feel good yourself.
[I hate writing now, since it is impossible to maintain the emotional context and mood during the whole writing. And writing makes you take your mental resources in way which is not orthogonal to those that maintain your emotional state. Oh I wish, I could just speak what I feel and this automatically writes it for you --- actually I think that converting the non-linear emotions to linear structured words is a difficult thing to do. Language shouldnt have been like this. The way of writing should have been something like pictures or something where one would express his/her emotions by using some beautiful looking curves which will sustain and naturally emit those emotions]
After months of depression, and going and running around looking for something I dont know what, I have finally, it seems, found out what I was looking for. Maybe I was too dumb, and slow, but I feel I have finally found it. I have finally found the context of my life. Or rediscovered it, maybe with new angles never looked from before. Such is the miracle of life
I think that I was completely disoriented... I didnt know what I am, and what I was looking for. I was trying to look happy, and found short-time pleasures in certain activities. Like putting my mind into thought, some times on some important or non-important logical problem, but on most other times, in some random, purposeless mess of repressed emotions, desired situations that never happenned, vicariously experiencing emotions from imagination-enriched realities, frustrations, repeatedly diving into black holes (that pulls and pulls, and does not let you get away) of feelings of extreme low self esteem and extreme depression and extreme lack of motivation and purpose, nihilism, extreme indirection, etc.
I used to cry for 30 minutes daily for the past several months. And even for the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes, just try to suppress it.
Today I want to dance, today I want to sing, today I want to run out, today I want to jump in the air, today I want to fly, today I want to meet people, today I want to talk to people, today I want to live this life, today I have the energy to spend effort making my and other's lives better, today I know where I am, today I know where I am going, today I know where I want to go.
The machination that is the mind -- its easy to get it going on weird ways. There are just so many ways you can take it to, but unless there is the heart that drives it, everything that you do will be pointless.
READING YOUR HEART AND FOLLOWING WHAT IT SAYS IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.
Yes.
The key is to hold your reality firmly. The key is to remember every person you know on this planet every day. The key is to know what you want to do.
I was crying, in a depressed condition, and was trying to remember old times. All memories went before me. My mother laughing and crying with me. My father trying to make everybody in the family happy. The whole joint family trying to keep the family going forward, to prosper, to grow. My brothers and sisters. My friends. Their families. I remembered the whole thing. I suddenly started seeing myself. I got my life back.
I had forgotten everything. I had made my life hell. I had wiped off the whole history and context of life. Most people are able to maintain their context, I was not. The context that one gets by living 20-odd years of life in a family. Maybe I was seeing too many different kinds of lives here, maybe it was some internal problems such as ego, or maybe I was just too dumb.
I found out that I was most happy with my family at home. I found that I am only happy when I am able to make my family happy. I am only happy when I can make my mother, and father, happy. I am only happy when I can make my family happy.
Coming here, and chasing jobs, and job descriptions is chasing yourself. Unless you know the purpose of your chase, it is meaningless.
And the nice point is that if you are happy, and know how you can make yourself happy, your happiness spreads to others automatically. You make friends and relationships, and people around you feel good, and you then in turn feel good yourself.
[I hate writing now, since it is impossible to maintain the emotional context and mood during the whole writing. And writing makes you take your mental resources in way which is not orthogonal to those that maintain your emotional state. Oh I wish, I could just speak what I feel and this automatically writes it for you --- actually I think that converting the non-linear emotions to linear structured words is a difficult thing to do. Language shouldnt have been like this. The way of writing should have been something like pictures or something where one would express his/her emotions by using some beautiful looking curves which will sustain and naturally emit those emotions]
2 Comments:
At 8:30 PM , Anonymous said...
hey i read your site. i am a 20 year old college student and right now is a tough time in my life i am so confused on everything. i don't know my purpose in life what i am here for. i don't what direction i need to take i like you said you let your imagination run wild on you and letting your grab a hold of your life and thats how i feel things that never happen to me i think about all my thoughtss are negative i always think that my girlfriend of 5 years dosen't care for or is cheating on me and that ny friends just think i am a dumb ass but really it is my head running wild on me cause i know none of that is true but i can't get that out of my head. but after reading your site it has helped me think of my family and all the thinks that are positive in my life and that are living for. These people really do love me and care about me so why should i always have negative thoughts i don't know but i wanted to say thinks cause your site has helped me think about the whole picture and to look into my heart and not just what is in my head good luck on everthing you do and accomplish in your life.
At 10:38 PM , Gaurang said...
Hi,
Thanks for your comments, and I surely wish you best of luck in your life.
Things keep going up and down in life, and at various times, I used to come out on top by thinking about family and other certain things. And then after a few days, I used to go back to negative thoughts.
What I have now learnt is that there are two three things which help you:
-- remember your friends and family, and be in touch with them, learn to relate to them properly, and form good relationships. Form new friends. It feels nice to be in touch with people.
-- learn to like work and certain other hobbies. If you like work, and do it properly, then one feels good. And if you have certain hobbies, they also help you. But we should take care that focussing more on our work and hobbies is not alienating us from other people.
-- one of the most important things is that we should strive for "solving problems". Whatever happens, we should learn to be strong, and solve problems at hand. Find good solutions without forming enemities with people. I have seen people in my company who can work strongly with focus despite very bad situations. I have observed some people in personal life as well. We should remember to "solve" problems soon and not let them grow. With relationship problems, you should solve them soon.
I am a similar person as you, and I keep fighting problems. Sometimes I make mistakes, but its okay, I have learnt to accept that.
But I also have found that if I try to correct my mistakes later, and if I make an effort for that, that also happens.
So basically, believing in ourselves, and proactively solving problems, and maintaing good relationships are the key to have a good life.
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