talking skills

My natural self is suppressed a lot. Why do I always try to "be" something whenever I talk to people. My talking skills have alsmost got onto a point which is so low that I have nt seen anything like it before from anybody. I have just forgotten to talk. Especially with new people. With people who are already my friends, my condition is deteriorating but it is still okay. It might get affected also though. With new people, though, the ones whom I met after joining this job 6 months ago, in the company, I have been a very complete looser. I havent been able to make friends with anybody, because going to anybody i start thinking about "what should I say to him", "what is he thinking about me", "I know I cant mix, oh i am in such a bad situation", "what should I say", "what do people say", "what do people want", "why am i flawed", etc. Low-esteem as never seen before in the history of humanity? ;)

I SHOULD DIE....................

I mean, how can I go on like this? Shall I change my company? This weekend I am seriously thinking of seeing a psychotheraphist/psychologist. Lets see how they are. I cant see, however, how another person can solve my problem. I know most about myself, only I should be the best person to solve my problems. How can I tell the doctor everything about myself - everything that is written in this blog , and everything that is not? I will never be able to gather everything and tell him a coherent pciture.

God should not let anybody go through this phase.

AND EVERYTHING IS MOSTLY DUE TO MY MASOCHISM. I AM DELIBERATELY TRYING TO CREATE AND MAINTAIN PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF. I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. I AM ENJOYING MY PROBLEMS. WHICH IS A NOT SO GOOD THING.

MASOCHISM ==== BAD LIFE.

If you have masochistic tendencies, drop them now, or you are headed to hell.