madness

My life is a waste.

With so many streaks of madness in my mind...where in my mind consists of nothing but madness.

I found that we people in our family were always behaving in a notably abnormal, mad way. There were big signs of dysfunction. We used to fight and shout at each other. We used to sometimes shout at my mother, and say, something of the sort - "When I will die in these circumstances, then you will see". This statement indicates that the sayer wants to say that he is in a state of utter despair and distress, and that his goal is not to solve that problem but to show the world how bad a state he is in. His act of death will not be important due to the act itself, but in that it will generate some image/thoughts in the onlooker. (Strangely, it is in the very same vein, I am writing my blog here. I am trying to show that I am in such a bad state, and I am trying to "feel good" by generating emotions of sympathy and pity in the reader - I think this might be the unconscious purpose I am writing this blog for. Man. What an embedded behavior pattern. Why do I have to have all these mad behavior patterns? In fact, another part of my brain probably thinks: the world will watch what I write here, and I will become famous, everybody "will see" my utter state of despair and praise me for writing such a nice blog, they will have a lot of sympathy and pity and they will call me smart, since I expressed my deeper anxieties and fears, which nobody usually does publicly on the Internet. This is another embedded mad behavior pattern. I havent even talked about it. It is related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD), which I and my brother, sister, and primary my father has. NPD actually brings to me many negative self-defeating, mad, behavior patterns )

Continuing back, I was saying that most people in our family are mad. My father, my mother (both actually in different ways), brother, sister, all family on the side of my father i.e. father's brothers and sisters, and their children too)

Strangely, even one of my aunt (who is the wife of one of my father's brothers) is also mad. She is mad in a more deeper way, actually. Their children have the elements of both kinds of madness, our family's and hers. (Her whole family is mad too, in her way).

One of their daughters (my cousin) ran away from the house to marry a person who was not culturally acceptable as a bride for our family (given the social pressures, which are especially high, because of our high social visibility, and because we are very rich in the town).

We all dont know how to talk. Most of our talk is silly, illogical and absurd. We dont know what we want. We all are purposeless, or lacking any direction. We dont know how we can be happy. Actually we *cannot* be happy. These are all not due to external circumstances but completely internal to us(in the brains, actually). In fact, our external circumstances are pretty good. We are rich, have a high social standing, have a good network of relatives, have a nice house, lots of amenities and facilities, more servants in the house as there are members, etc. Me and my brother have somehow found a way to use this madness as a weapon in our studies, and our performance at school has been pretty good. My brother was first in the town in his 10th grade, and I think one of the top in the 12th grade. He went to top 10 school in India. I had good performace, not as good as him, but pretty good. A lot of people in my life consider me as smart, though many consider me as very stupid and mad. (they truly recognized me as dumb and dull; for the rest: I have been able to successfully feign smartness for a while)

Its strange actually why are we successful. My father is pretty succesful, and my brother and myself as well. My father has a good business, and my brother is quite successful academically, he plays synthesizer very well, he has a good job here in the Bay Area. Even I would be called moderately succesful - coming to the US and doing a software engineer job in a successful firm. When we are so mad, why are we succesfull at all? Seems like if you have certain type of skills, then they might in certain circumstances gives you good survival advantages even though in most others you might be lacking. (like some kind of logical skills, and other kinds of madness like NPD). But there are problems though in this too. I am having a lot of problems in my job right now, I dont know whether I will be able to continue. I might be fired soon. All three of us waste a lot of money....because we are dumb.

to continue...