Feedback loop
Mode 1:
One part of me wants to compare my value with others ALWAYS, FOR ALL THINGS. I obsessively keep thinking about what others are thinking or feeling about me given my any action. I think about this so much that there is hardly anything else that comes in my mind at many times. [ Now this helps introspection in some sense because then I can use my conclusions about what others are thinking about me in developing theories about my own behavior and thus "introspect". ] This happens basically because I probably want to calculate my value...my worth. This is because of my fear of actually being worthless or valueless. This happenned due to a lot of teasing, laughing or plain rejection and isolation that I got earlier in my life when I tried to behave naturally. (D&D)
This value estimation gives me exaggerated results most of the times. My self-estimate of myself keeps jumping from very high to very low and vice versa very quickly. Both are states that one would not like to be in. When my self-estimation is very high, then I tend to "act smart", telling others that I am smart through all of my actions. I almost become arrogant. This is repulsive. When it is low, then I tend to go very down...almost like clinical depression. I feel that I have lost in my life, and that there is nothing that can save me. I am about the most dumb/dull and hopeless person in the world. I withdraw completely at that point.
In both of these states, I behave such that nobody would want to even talk to me.
There is one more thing I realized. Practically whats happenning is, that when I start thinking about what others are thinking about me, I tend to slow down, and not do anything, and this reaction further generates something in their brain, which I now try to guess, so again I start thinking, which further puts me into inaction, and this again provides more food for my thoughts of what the other person is *NOW* thinking about me. This forms a positive feedback loop, and saturates my brain. And my brain falls dead, and I cannot think about anything now. My brain just stops. At this time, I really become very dumb/dull. Thus, this whole mode is very repuslive, and this makes me very unhappy.
Mode 2:
My mode 2 is the best part about me. Here I am my true self. Sometimes, when I am almost not quite reached the "arrogant side" mentioned above, I go into other modes - which lead to a Happy Gaurang - here I behave like a normal person, who will do things like most other people. This mode is particularly a mode where I am not divided at all. I feel like being in everbody's body. I love all other people. Really love. And that time, people actually dont mind speaking to me. I love everybody and people like that.
One part of me wants to compare my value with others ALWAYS, FOR ALL THINGS. I obsessively keep thinking about what others are thinking or feeling about me given my any action. I think about this so much that there is hardly anything else that comes in my mind at many times. [ Now this helps introspection in some sense because then I can use my conclusions about what others are thinking about me in developing theories about my own behavior and thus "introspect". ] This happens basically because I probably want to calculate my value...my worth. This is because of my fear of actually being worthless or valueless. This happenned due to a lot of teasing, laughing or plain rejection and isolation that I got earlier in my life when I tried to behave naturally. (D&D)
This value estimation gives me exaggerated results most of the times. My self-estimate of myself keeps jumping from very high to very low and vice versa very quickly. Both are states that one would not like to be in. When my self-estimation is very high, then I tend to "act smart", telling others that I am smart through all of my actions. I almost become arrogant. This is repulsive. When it is low, then I tend to go very down...almost like clinical depression. I feel that I have lost in my life, and that there is nothing that can save me. I am about the most dumb/dull and hopeless person in the world. I withdraw completely at that point.
In both of these states, I behave such that nobody would want to even talk to me.
There is one more thing I realized. Practically whats happenning is, that when I start thinking about what others are thinking about me, I tend to slow down, and not do anything, and this reaction further generates something in their brain, which I now try to guess, so again I start thinking, which further puts me into inaction, and this again provides more food for my thoughts of what the other person is *NOW* thinking about me. This forms a positive feedback loop, and saturates my brain. And my brain falls dead, and I cannot think about anything now. My brain just stops. At this time, I really become very dumb/dull. Thus, this whole mode is very repuslive, and this makes me very unhappy.
Mode 2:
My mode 2 is the best part about me. Here I am my true self. Sometimes, when I am almost not quite reached the "arrogant side" mentioned above, I go into other modes - which lead to a Happy Gaurang - here I behave like a normal person, who will do things like most other people. This mode is particularly a mode where I am not divided at all. I feel like being in everbody's body. I love all other people. Really love. And that time, people actually dont mind speaking to me. I love everybody and people like that.
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