Finding yourself...

(I wrote this in the afternoon. I am not as positive now as I was when I wrote this, but its better than before. Lets see what happens.)

After months of depression, and going and running around looking for something I dont know what, I have finally, it seems, found out what I was looking for. Maybe I was too dumb, and slow, but I feel I have finally found it. I have finally found the context of my life. Or rediscovered it, maybe with new angles never looked from before. Such is the miracle of life

I think that I was completely disoriented... I didnt know what I am, and what I was looking for. I was trying to look happy, and found short-time pleasures in certain activities. Like putting my mind into thought, some times on some important or non-important logical problem, but on most other times, in some random, purposeless mess of repressed emotions, desired situations that never happenned, vicariously experiencing emotions from imagination-enriched realities, frustrations, repeatedly diving into black holes (that pulls and pulls, and does not let you get away) of feelings of extreme low self esteem and extreme depression and extreme lack of motivation and purpose, nihilism, extreme indirection, etc.

I used to cry for 30 minutes daily for the past several months. And even for the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes, just try to suppress it.

Today I want to dance, today I want to sing, today I want to run out, today I want to jump in the air, today I want to fly, today I want to meet people, today I want to talk to people, today I want to live this life, today I have the energy to spend effort making my and other's lives better, today I know where I am, today I know where I am going, today I know where I want to go.

The machination that is the mind -- its easy to get it going on weird ways. There are just so many ways you can take it to, but unless there is the heart that drives it, everything that you do will be pointless.

READING YOUR HEART AND FOLLOWING WHAT IT SAYS IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.

Yes.


The key is to hold your reality firmly. The key is to remember every person you know on this planet every day. The key is to know what you want to do.

I was crying, in a depressed condition, and was trying to remember old times. All memories went before me. My mother laughing and crying with me. My father trying to make everybody in the family happy. The whole joint family trying to keep the family going forward, to prosper, to grow. My brothers and sisters. My friends. Their families. I remembered the whole thing. I suddenly started seeing myself. I got my life back.

I had forgotten everything. I had made my life hell. I had wiped off the whole history and context of life. Most people are able to maintain their context, I was not. The context that one gets by living 20-odd years of life in a family. Maybe I was seeing too many different kinds of lives here, maybe it was some internal problems such as ego, or maybe I was just too dumb.

I found out that I was most happy with my family at home. I found that I am only happy when I am able to make my family happy. I am only happy when I can make my mother, and father, happy. I am only happy when I can make my family happy.

Coming here, and chasing jobs, and job descriptions is chasing yourself. Unless you know the purpose of your chase, it is meaningless.


And the nice point is that if you are happy, and know how you can make yourself happy, your happiness spreads to others automatically. You make friends and relationships, and people around you feel good, and you then in turn feel good yourself.


[I hate writing now, since it is impossible to maintain the emotional context and mood during the whole writing. And writing makes you take your mental resources in way which is not orthogonal to those that maintain your emotional state. Oh I wish, I could just speak what I feel and this automatically writes it for you --- actually I think that converting the non-linear emotions to linear structured words is a difficult thing to do. Language shouldnt have been like this. The way of writing should have been something like pictures or something where one would express his/her emotions by using some beautiful looking curves which will sustain and naturally emit those emotions]